The Traditional Birthday Reflection Post

I ran late to Mass on the morning of my birthday. I got there in time for the Gospel, so was very thankful I could receive Jesus on the day of my birth. I stayed a little extra after Mass to read the readings I'd missed. Good thing I did because God had a great message for me on my birthday:

Isaiah 48: 17 - 19
17	Thus says the LORD, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: "I am the LORD your God, who teaches you to profit, who leads you in the way you should go.
18	O that you had hearkened to my commandments! Then your peace would have been like a river, and your righteousness like the waves of the sea;
19	your offspring would have been like the sand, and your descendants like its grains; their name would never be cut off or destroyed from before me."

I'm not often frank on my blog. I dance around what's on my heart, hinting and posing questions that I then try to answer. This reading spoke to my heart in ways that only my Beloved could. The truth about me is that I spent a year with the Community of St. John to discern whether I had a vocation to religious life. At the end of the year I discerned that religious life was not how God was calling me to love or how he was calling me to be light to the world. Praise the Lord! But that started me on an infinitely harder journey filled with a desire for something more and an obvious time of waiting on God's timing.

This year I have said goodbye to three of my friends who have left to enter convents. The other two in this picture are in India and Texas waiting to enter at the word 'go.' It's been so beautiful to see how God has spoken to each of their hearts differently, and called them forth to be who he created. They still have a long journey to vows, but they're most certainly living God's will for them. How beautiful! How difficult it is to remain here waiting and hoping in God's plan for my life. How difficult it is to remain in the fire of desire.

"O that you had hearkened to my commandments! 

Then your peace would have been like a river..."

Such a beautiful challenge on my birthday, God calling me forward and beyond my limitations toward his heart. I'm of the firm conviction that God is using this time of waiting to prepare me for the trials of married and family life. Looking back I certainly wasn't ready for them when I was in college, and even looking back one year I can see how I was not ready. If only I would listen!!!! It is so hard to live by God's laws. To be humble and obedient to Him, to remain faithful and always listen for His voice in my daily life.

"Let me rise then and go about the city, through the streets and squares; let me seek him whom my soul loves." I sought him but I did not find him. 

Song of Songs 3: 2

Oh that I might so desire God's will that I actively seek him each day. If you think of it, my desire for God's will would compel me to be most myself. It's that kind of desire that compelled the saints to live heroic virtue. It's that kind of desire, which will build a culture of life and a civilization of love. As young people we are given a beautiful gift in our unique ardor for life. For my birthday, God woke me up to my unique call to live life now, living in hope of what is to come in His plan for my life. Then peace shall abound.

Faith

Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things unseen.

Hebrews 11:1

The theme of faith has been following me this week! First I had that great encounter through confession, then last night I went to a talk my spiritual director was giving in preparation for the Total Consecration to Jesus through Mary. The topic last night was Adoration and I was, yet again, thrown into the mystery of Faith.

Since these talks were given in preparation for the consecration, speaking of Mary's Faith was a fundamental part of the talk. Because Mary was chosen by God to be the mother of His Son, she possessed all virtue perfectly. I often think that this means that Mary didn't have a care in the world, that because she possessed all virtue and grace, that she was above those little trials and sufferings I find so painful in daily life.

Yet, in Luke 1, Mary was troubled by what the Angel said to her. Father spoke of the poverty of God's plan. Mary had complete faith that God's will would be done in her life even though she did not understand "how can this be as I do not know man." (Luke 1:34)

"How can this be as I do not know man." This difinitive statement made by Our Lady reveals the secret of her heart kept in a covenant made in her body. A vow of virginity. Aquinas writes of this verse as her revelation of that vow. In all the other covenants God makes with man of conceiving to bear a son the promised child is conceived through the bond of the flesh. However, Christ is conceived through "The holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you." (Luke 1:34) [I could probably do a whole post just on Mary's virginity, but will maybe save that for later.]

Mary trusted, even though she had made a vow to God through her body, that what He declared to her through the Angel Gabriel would come to be. The blind faith of Our Lady, without the understanding as the world sees it, but with eyes that trust in the Word of a loving God. Even more paradoxical than the birth of Christ is His death on the Cross.

Christ came to die, "and a sword shall pierce your heart." (Luke 2:35) She trusted through the 30 years of Christ's hidden life that His timing was perfect. She lived her life with the knowledge that her Son was the Son of God and that He chose to remain silent for those years. Then a mere three years after beginning his ministry, to be put to death on a cross, deserted by His friends save for John.

She was the mother of a dead Son and her Son gave her another. "Woman, behold, your son." (John 19: 26) The poverty of Mary's faith in God's plan allowed her to accept the gift of John and subsequently to be mother to us all. To trust entirely in God's plan is to live life without fear. To walk steadily forward trusting that even though you do not know the way, that God's light will lead you to truth.

There is a rediscovery of faith in the eyes of God. The realization that looking with eyes of this world will not get you closer to knowing His plan for your life. Looking at our Lady's faith, we can rediscover how we ought to pray. To offer our very selves as the sacrifice burnt before the Throne of God and to choose to love even when we do not have all the answers as to why trials and sacrifices have come. To embrace these trials as a standard of vicotory, holding to the cross as the cry of hope.

Checking In

I recently went to confession. The strength of this beautiful sacrament always fills me with awe.

One of my many goals is to discover how to live each stage of my life well. To be fully alive throughout my whole life. It's a hard mountain to climb and my second winds come from Confession. It's not always easy to continue to climb when I don't know how much further until I reach a peak.

This week the priest spoke with me about trusting God. He touched on the very thought that it's hard to always trust God when it's uncertain what the plan is. The wisdom he gave me was that God's plan is never static, it's constantly moving forward, and if you're living life fully alive you are always in God's plan. He advised that I take some time in prayer to check in to see where God is moving in my life.

God is moving in the silence. In this non-fulfillment of my vocational desires he is moving.

We are always called to hunger and thirst for truth, for fullness, for life itself! This paradox of not being satisfied with where I'm at and yet resting in the knowledge that His grace is sufficient is filling me right now. The audacity of hope is not something that's easy to define.

The challenge is to be fully alive and fully myself in all things. Never to hide behind fear or complacency, but dive fully into life. This trust that I so yearn for must be propelled by my firm resolve and desire for the fullness of life. If I am always striving to be more myself, I shall always be walking in God's plan for my life. The time will come and His timing will be better than my idea of perfection. For even when I do discover the fullness of my vocation the next journey will begin to discover how to live well that call.

Hope: It's a lifestyle choice.

Movie Reviews: The Adjustment Bureau

The Adjustment Bureau: 
One scene is inappropriate, otherwise a well done movie.

Starring: Matt Damon, Emily Blunt

Premise: (Slight spoiler alert) Matt Damon plays a rising NY Senatorial Candidate, who bumps into the 'woman of his dreams' one day only to find out the next that she is not part of the "Adjutment Bureau's" plan for him. In stumbling onto the existence of the Adjustment Bureau, he discovers that they are men who can travel through subspace using doors (dressed in bowler caps) and they adjust decisions and situations to fit 'The Plan.' All under the direction of "The Chairman." Matt Damon fights the idea that 'free will' is an illusion to win the girl and a life of his own making, in the end entering through the doors of the Adjustment Bureau, risking having his memory obliterated to spend what time he had left with 'the one,' showing that he chooses her.

Philosophical questions posed: Choice, Free Will, fulfillment through friendship, desire

Cinematic Notes:
Hats: The Adjustment Bureau wears hats. This is an illusion to the "Man in the Bowler" painting.
Significance: The man in the bowler has no face, thus signifying "The Man," so in film when this imagery is used, usually in stark oposition to a character they're illustrating modern man's struggle against "The Man." It's also significant to Power Struggles, or in this movie, the battle for autonomy and free will. At the end of the film when the main character takes the hat for himself, he's taking his life into his own hands, takign it from "The Man."

Lighting: Many of these scenes feature rows of lights, either above the head in a large warehouse setting, or on desks stretching across above heads that are sitting at tables. etc.
Significance: This signifies two things: Man under Scrutiny and it adds to the imagery of Man in a cage. This is a mind bender, so cage mantra comes back in many different forms on all the characters, both in and out of the adjustment bureau.

The Cage Motif: Found subtly behind the characters through pillars, wall design, room design etc.
Significance: It points toward each of the characters being placed in a box and operating per the boxes perameters. Only at the end do you have wide open spaces when choice has been put into act and Matt Damon stands up for his Friend.

Chess Boards: The flooring of many of the shots with the A.B. contains a checker pattern.
Significance: This is pointing toward a chess match between the protaganist and antagonist. Who is behind each side? "The Chairman" vs. Matt Damon.

Water: In the movie water stunts the ability of the A.B.
Significance: In film, water is significant of change, especially rain because rain washes away existing into change. So at the climax of the film it's pouring rain.

Staircases: In this film they pit the staircase against the door 
Significance: In film, stairs signify rising to an occasion and taking ones fate into their own hands. Hence so many chase scenes on spiral staircases. The spiral staircase is also significant of a search for truth, around each bend. Dizzying to the center, usually the summit.

Doors: To stay on one side or go to the other, especially highilghted by the fact that one side of the door is another place entirely. Idea of movement and again, choice.
 
Review: I found this film to be intellectually stimulating. The vivid cinematic motifs used to portray a quest for the answer to the questions of free will and choice made for a dynamic game of cat and mouse through this quest for power. There was some dissatisfaction, for me, in the end resolving of the question, but the movement of man fighting for choice was stunning. The key is that it poses philosophical questions that one can then think about once the movie ends. A triumphant leap from choice into action, instills in the viewer a need to do the same in ones own life. There is a light treatment on the fulfilment of self through friendship. For a person who is so 'other' than you that they inspire you into life versus a static relationship that is comfortable. A well done film with one inappropriate scene I would suggest skipping if you watch it at home.

The Way of Delight

I try, as often as I can, to go out for a bike ride after work. It automatically creates space and distance from the desk and it's good for me too!

I'm a big fan of riding the Rock Island State Trail. The beautiful thing about the trail, especially right now is that it's surrounded by trees. If you've ever read Anne of Green Gables and tried to imagine the way of delight or lover's lane, the Rock Island State Trail is pretty close. In fact, I'm going to allow myself an Anne moment and rename the trail because let's face it the Way of Delight just fits my little trail.

The beautiful thing about tonight's ride was that it took place near sunset. It was hard to tell pedaling forward whether the vibrant and vivid colors I saw in the trees were true fall colors or the very colors of the sunset. The light streaking across the path and breaking through the leaves to fill the path with an otherworldly glow. Couple with that the lazy hum of a few crickets still hanging on in the warm dirt and I found a haven from the business of the world.

A moment I look forward to on every bike ride is right about where I turn around. There's this field of something that has the color of goldenrod and it grows out into the distance. Away beyond it you can see the cars whizzing to and fro as people go home to their families for dinner. And beyond the already idyllic view the sunset lit up the horizon with vivid colors that stretched forward, providing a beautiful moment to just be silent and appreciate life.

It's moments like these that make me wonder why I don't stop more often. There are so many moments in life to simply sit back and smile about, why don't I take them?! I'm going to try to remember soak up all of these delightful fall rays of gold. Life is too full of busy moments not to take advantage of quiet ones.

Toward an End

As days of my life continue forward, each marching into the next to the same rhthym, that same beat, I sometimes wonder where I'm going. To move forward and to move toward are two different ideas. To simply be moving forward doesn't necessarily imply an end goal, merely life as usual. I so much desire to be moving toward an end.

I would like to be out of vocation limbo, but I have no idea when God is going to reveal that particular end to me. Endless days of the unknowing make it hard to feel like you're moving toward anything. It can wear on a person, and without the proper guidance can run a person into the ground. It happens to some of us whether we'd like it to or not. Which is when we need to throw ourselves even more deeply, more passionately and with more conviction into the burning love Christ has for us.

The beautiful thing about God's creation is that he created each with a plan. Praise the Lord that this doesn't exclude me! If God created each with a plan, then to discover the fullness of that plan, each must be fully alive. My spiritual director was very encouraging (before he left me for the whole summer) in that to encounter God's plan for my life all I need to do is go where I am most fully myself, and ergo most fully alive. Do things that are mine to do, and live this stage of my life waiting for the fulfilment of my vocation with the same zeal as when I encounter my end.

To do this I need to be detached from those 'familiar' things that will pull me down into a pattern of predictable nothings. Each day is comprised of choices, shall I go for a walk and breathe fresh air OR sit on my couch and watch another tv episode online? When spelled out like that the choice seems obvious, I would be more awake if I went for a walk. If I can come up for a million reasons to remain asleep and join couch potatoes annonymous, you can imagine how many more reasons I give myself for why I'm not in the chapel every day.

The truth is that I cannot fight this battle alone and lately I've been trying to. Not in anything like active rebellion but those small choices I make every day that rob me of zeal and doom me to mediocrity. If I want to be moving toward my vocation, then I need to live my life walking toward it. Daring to choose to embrace my life as it is and dive into it with full abandonment.

For the love... of vocation

I have a calendar on my desk, mostly to remind me what day it is while I'm doing my bookkeeping, but also as a moment of inspiration. It's the "Bl. Pope John Paul II: Words to Live By" calendar and I love it. Yesterday there was a quote that resonated with me:

"Creating the human race in his own image and continually keeping it in being, God inscribed in the humanity of man an woman the vocation, and thus the capacity and responsibility, of love and communion. Love is therefore the fundamental and innate vocation of every human being." (Pope John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation: On the Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World, November 22, 1981.)

This one paragraph is packed with meaning and depth, as is all of Bl. Pope John Paul II's writing. Our late holy father reminds us of our responsibility to love in truth. For written in our very nature as human is the capacity to love. The unique treasure of self-gift, to put another before your own wants and needs, is inseperable from our call to live our vocations.

A monk, Br. Isaiah CSJ, once said to me that, "Every vocation is a vocation to love." His words have stayed with me over many years of my life. How simple the answer of love, how complex the question of how am I called to love? It's the journey of discovering your vocation.

For me, I know how I am called to love, the problem is that I'm waiting for the fullfilment of my vocation. Who am I to argue with God's timing? The beautiful thing about love is its freedom to grow. Even though my vocation isn't standing tangibly before me, I am still called to grow in love and to be fully myself in the expression.

Bl. Pope John Paul II just gave me a friendly reminder to never say "It's not time yet." The fullness of life is in your ability to be who you are.

"Be who you are and you will set the world on fire." -Catherine of Sienna

Stones

"Harden not your hearts as your fathers did in the wilderness." Psalm 94

What makes a hard heart? It's a question I have been asking myself for a week. A better question, as always, would be why? Why harden your heart? Is it a choice or is it something that grows slowly? Becoming accustomed to the slowly warming water until, before you realize it, it's boiling and a hard shell forms.

After my week of reflection (more thought time to follow) I believe the root of a hardened heart is fear coupled withe experience. We all know and have experienced the heartaches of life, some are more traumatic than others. For the most part, we get wise and approach things differently the next time around. What if the next time around, the answer is to close up? What if we allow fear to change how we live our life, trying desperately to guard our own hearts without real thought to coming hardness.

While a hardening heart, I believe is a gradual change, some people show it more than others. Those jaded and synical, whose judgmental eye is just another form of hardness, those we can see clearly. We all know someone like this. But what of those who hide a hardness of heart just below the surface? Friendships easily made and kept, but only to a persicope depth, where you can keep a visual on the surface. When things become serious or deep, fear kicks in and somehow the hidden hardness finds an outlet, petty fights, lack of empathy, self-afflicted affectations. Sounds familiar even in my own life. Fear of a pain long remembered and a wound not yet healed.

The question then becomes, what do we do with pain? I'm very aware that I have wounds still healing, and fear of pain and rejection runs through my soul from time to time. What is the proper response to pain? Very often, my gaze pauses before the cross, the only place where suffereing can come to light. All of our experiences of pain or affliction, though caused through human weakness, were still seen and destined by Christ. These moments of seeming failure and despair are in fact moments of victory over death.

Can we muster up the strength to live through the pain? Find hope in things unseen, and the fertile knowledge that true love casts out fear and heals wounds. The truest love is found in the heart of Christ as He cried "I thirst" from the cross. To have a hardened heart implies a choice, a choice to live in fear or to live as children of light, confident that the Father's Will shall lead us to life everlasting. If we take moments of pain as an opportunity to truly live, then life will engender life and those around us will see and feel its life-giving effects.

Gaze of Friendship

I was on a road trip. I love road trips for many reasons. One of them is that it gives me a chance to mull life over.

On my way back to Peoria I stopped to see one of the most delighful and wonderful women I know. I have a plethora of beautiful friends and I love each of them dearly. Kristin Striker is one of those memorable people that I cherish. God truly placed her in my life and every time I see her I leave rejuvenated and feeling more myself. Kristin and I have been friends since we were 8 years old, we met at a Couple to Couple League Convention that our parents were attending and have been pen-pals and dear friends ever since.

As I was driving away from Kristin and toward Peoria I could feel zeal for life building up. Along with the strength to stay on the fire and continue to strive to do things that are uniquely me. As upbeat and perky as these posts are, sometimes I loose sight of that drive. Something Kristin and I talked about was living life fully alive and that when you dare to do so a person feels things deeply. Every joy: an extreme joy, every hurt: a deep pain and every friendship: a chance to encounter someone amazing. Talking to her always brings new life to my little soul.

Then I began to wonder what it is about a friendship that inspires a person to be themselves. Directly after wondering that I began to laugh a little because Kristin is a prime example. Whenever we do see each other, we are each completely centered on the other person. "Oh, I've talked too much..." "But what about you..." My true delight was hearing all the details of her life and sharing in the joys and sorrows and confusions. When someone looks at you with the gaze of friendship it gives you the freedom to be more alive, more yourself. When both are simply finding joy in the other person, each has the utmost freedom to be themselves and to cultivate a spirit of joy.


















My visit with Kristin has given me the audacity to continue to thirst for fullness of life. I feel very blessed to have so many friends who remind me of what a joy it is to live life fully alive.

A title for this post will come to me...

I've been thinking a lot lately about the person and about friendship. For instance, did you know that in philosophy you can proove the existence of God through a study of friendship? You really have to get to the root of it, but philosophically (without the help of faith or theology) you can do it.

Until man is in awe of another person he is not fully alive.

Bold words, stemming from an even bolder conviction. I've been striving for so long to be fully awake in life. I feel more alive and awake now than I ever have, and the funny part is that I take more acute enjoyment in my friends and family. I'm in awe.

This awe is best expressed through the love of a spouse, so you married people out there will probably relate to what I'm writing. Even if you're not (like me), there are still other people you can find joy in, true friendships that touch the soul and shape the person.

What puzzles me now is what about people who can't flip the switch, who do not have the audacity to not dwell on themselves and truly gaze upon another person? I've seen it, and it makes me sad for the fullness of life is robbed from them.

When you can gaze on another person for the sake of their own goodness, it pressupposes a few things. There's a lot that goes into discovering these things, but once found it can never be lost.

• It presupposes that you know who you are and have discovered a self-worth and are confident in that worth.
• It presupposes that you see a goodness about another person, or people in general, it's how chaperones are able to love crazy teenagers at an Eagle Eye for aweek.
• It also presupposes a desire for self-gift, to share yourself with another and conjoined with that a desire to respect and receive the gift of the person before you.

There is an intrinsic good and value to a person. It's why people fight so hard for the pro-life movement, every life is precious and every life has a purpose. When you really think about a statement like that, WOW! Each person you pass on the street, every gal at the drive-thru window at McDonald's and every person you're close to has something to offer the world. It's almost a little too much for a person to handle.

This awareness is usually sparked by a gaze upon one person who is your good, which is why this can be best seen in marriage. I may not be married, but I've had true friendships and those friendships enable me to be more open and given to others. There's a mystery of a beloved friend, they can grow and change, be in a bad or good mood, have virtues and vices, yet they will always captivate your intellect and drive your will. Constant movement toward another person, yet that person will always be more than you can comprehend or capture. That's why friendship at its root does not disable growth but enables it. Each has the freedom to be most fully themselves and ipso facto most fully alive. Your gift of self to another person enables you to be most fully yourself and draws the other outside of themselves. Never ending gift. That's why it's inspiring to see good and holy marriages where the two have truly become one.

But what about those who don't have that gaze? What can flip the switch? If you're respecting the freedom of the other you can't make them look at you, but wait patiently for a head to turn and an awareness seep in. Unrequited love, what burn and what desire. Though if you're fully alive you know, after a time, if they can't gaze at you, then you must preserve yourself and withdraw.

Someone caught in their own gaze often finds themselves in many meaningless friendships and relationships. The meaning they find in these relationships is the meaning they bring to it. Always looking at the other to guage a reaction or for the sake fo beeing looked upon. They limit the other person's ability to be themselves because their qualities are only appreciated for the gratification received. A person stuck in this gaze cannot truly be given or receive another person. They can float from one to another, never settling, never really looking. The hard part is that often this gaze is developed under the duress of self preservation and unless challenged or inspired to break out of it, will not change.

How much they miss! What is to be done for these poor souls? The fullness of life is stripped from their very act of self-preservation. And nothing can wake them up but an awareness of another person. Seems hopeless, but at the same time as I ponder with this question I am filled with hope for these people. To see someone fully alive and be in wonder before a person can heal so many wounds as well as inspire the confidence to truly gaze at another. Discovery of self is also a must, and each person's journey is different. For me, it was only when faced with the reality of my own faults and Christ's redeeming love and His plan for my life could I truly know myself and begin to embrace life fully awake.

I'm still thinking about this question and may have more later, but this at least gives my restless brain some peace over the question.

Zeal

I wrote before Lent that my resolution was to Live Life again! Lent has come and gone and the Easter Season is over. Somehow my flawed and very human attempts to refocus and rediscover a drive for life led me to the heart of God's will for my life.

God wills that I live life. Now that I've been led there, it all seems so simple, but the journey has been quite the experience. Each day I am faced with small choices, moments where I can decided to surrender my will into the Father's hands or keep it for myself. I will be the first to say that I do not understand the Father's will for my life! Makes surrender a little more difficult, yet he asks it of me anyway.

I met with my spiritual director recently. Our meetings are always a delight but this last one was healing and challenging all at once. Fr. Nathan asked me where I feel most alive? Good question. For someone who is still in vocation limbo, trying to define moments where I feel most alive is difficult at times. To go off what I said in my last post a little bit, I found myself facing the desires of my heart again and again.

Did I really want it? Do I really want to allow the desire for the fulfillment of my vocation run through me? To do so would require that I accept the stage in life I'm in and move forward anyway, even though I don't know what the end is going to look like. My desires are so strong and the fire of my heart is burnign so steadily that I fear that if I let loose the horses they may ravish me. What does it mean to truly wait in anticipation: to allow the fire of desire burn away your imperfections and ideals into a reality that you do know yet?

I may not know what the end is, but I can say confidently now that I do know what it's like to be alive. My sleeping soul is awake and ready for God's will. To discover what His will is exactly, I am called to be fully alive and fully myself every day. Changing and growing toward God's plan, embracing who He created me to be and the mission He has placed on my heart.

"Make haste my beloved for I am sick with love." (Song of Songs) Yet I will wait in the flames of desire.

Desire

Some thoughts about my banner.

The Spirit and the bride say, "Come." Let the hearer say, "Come."
Let the one who thirsts come forward,
and the one who wants it receive the gift of life-giving water."

Revelation 22:17

Well, first I should walk you through my thoughts whenever I read this verse. For any of the people reading this who has ever done Lectio, or a Bible Study with me, you can probably imagine the sound of my voice... out of control.

We've got the Spirit and the bride, as this verse begins. St. John shoots us back to the incarnation. Our Lady is always in John's heart. And then they say "Come." The movement required of this verse is striking. They're calling us forward. They're not going to make us move, just invite us to join them.

Here comes the good stuff, "Let the one who thirsts come forward." Ugh!!!! Love it! They're calling everyone onward, but only the ones who thirst come forward. The great thing is that it gets even better, "Let the one who wants it receive the gift of life-giving water." Not only do you need to be thirsty for it, but you have to desire it to receive the gift.

This verse has been growing on me, or should I say challenging me to grow? God has been softening my heart. It takes time and is filled with the burning pain of longing for more. He's showed me, slowly, over time and giving me the strength to desire the gift. The beautiful thing I've discovered is as I open myself to desiring God's plan, He takes it and makes it more beautiful and perfect than I could have on my own. The desire growing and changing each day, carrying me deeper into His love.

It takes a choice, will I move toward God or not? Will I have the audacity to desire the fullness of life? Can I stay on the fire of His love? Can I move forward?

Let the hearer say, "Come."

Embers

"I came to cast fire on the earth and how I wish it were already blazing."

Luke 12: 49

Pentecost is coming this weekend and the fact that this just dawned on me today explains a lot about my thoughts these days: all over the place.

I recently helped run audio for the St. John Summer Conference, put on by the Community of St. John in Princeville, IL. The conference itself is meant to help young adults go deeper in their faith. I've been around the Community of St. John since I was 16, and I learned early not to settle into complacency with them. "Same old retreat..." The schedule may be the same, but it's never the same retreat.

I'm blessed that I have the skills necessary to monitor audio levels and enter into prayer. I may not always be able to split my attention, but I was able to find enough moments of calm to give God my full attention this weekend. And boy is He moving!

I came away from each day of the retreat with my heart pulled in new and deeper directions. He called me to come and rest, but I feel like I'm getting a spiritual workout these days. He is asking me to trust Him with my heart. I've spent so many days thinking I could protect it myself under frail fingers that opening them is terrifying. All I had to do was ask, and not only has He taken my fear, but He's been remodeling. "Yes, that's right, knock down that wall right there, we're going to start over." Beep, beep, beep. A truck backs up and the pendulum swings into those moss encrusted walls.

PAINFUL! "Shoot Lord, be nice! St. Anthony, talk to Him, will you?" Also thoughts of "I'll tell your mom on you!" but Our Lady is already here, she's been holding my hand while I watch the destruction. Even while writing this, I can't help but smile, because the joy of the reconstruction far exceeds the pain I'm suffering now. And then it dawned on me that Pentecost is this weekend, and the anticipation of the coming of the Holy Spirit has taken me. It seems God wants to make a little extra room for the Holy Spirit to move around in me. I am filled with hope.

"Tongues as of fire settled upon the apostles." Acts 2:3

The image of fire is standing out strikingly in my mind's eye today. It's the only facsimile to what's going on in my heart. Consumed by fire. There is a reflection that my spiritual director is fond of using when wrapping up a campfire. By this point the stars are at full shine and the only thing illuminating the front field is the glow of the embers. Father compares the embers to the fire of God's love, burning off all the imperfections, giving heat and light. He says it more eloquently than I ever could, but the image is striking.

What pain and what joy, to be consumed by the fire of God's love. Saints like St. Theresa of Avila and St. John of the Cross knew it well. I know I haven't reached any lofty heights of contemplative prayer, but the spirit of silence is setting me ablaze. God is moving the walls of my heart and He's given me the grace to watch.

I was not expecting the pain. It's not like breaking your heart, it's a consuming and sweet desire to allow Christ to do what He wishes. I've been praying for patience, so of course during this time Christ is testing my desire for that virtue. He's keeping me discombobulated, trusting from day to day that His love is sufficient and His will is perfect.

The hard part is staying on the fire.

Word of the day: Waiting

Dear Tuesday: Please find a way to speed up for only part of the day... and then just let the hours hang out until midnight. -Me.

Last night, I slept like a four year old. LITERALLY. I woke up this morning thinking about my nephew, Roman, who is almost four. When Iwas out at their house for Easter, I woke up Easter morning around 5am to Joe sitting Roman down on top of the couch I was sleeping on (I don't think he knew I was there) saying, "Roman, you cannot be awake right now, it's too early. I know you're excited, but everyone is sleeping. Aunt Mary is sleeping, Mommy is sleeping, Grandpa is sleeping... so you need to go back to bed."

I have a very exciting evening coming up. And even though my exciting adventure doesn't start until close to eleven, I found myself tossing and turning all night. "When will it be morning? I hope I don't oversleep..." All kinds of things. Not only did I not oversleep, but I woke up at 6. I haven't woken up that early in months. And I was awake! Weird.

I've been thinking today about the hours spent waiting for something exciting to happen, where time just seems to plod on by, same as yesterday. And then when something new enters the picture, time starts to march forward, taking you easily from one day to the next. Then you have moments of joy that you've been expecting for a while. Those seem to take ages to arrive and then are over in the blink of an eye.

The reality is, that the second hand has been moving at the same pace since the dawn of time. What is it in our experience as human that makes it rush and then ebb?

Question of the day.

Godmother

I have been a Godmother for almost two years now. It's hard to believe that baby Judah now eats everything in sight, climbs whatever he pleases, and is full of spunky personality.

My sister-in-law is always so good about allowing me to be a part of her growing family. Last Mother's Day I received a card from Judah, which was such a sweet and beautiful gesture. This year, Ruth Ann made a video from Judah to me. I've watched it probably twenty times this evening.

The thing that struck me most about the video was how much my heart leaps at the sight of my Godchild. I love all of my nephews, but Judah has truly captured my heart.

How beautiful the gift of being a godparent is. I not only get to be Judah's Aunt, but I get to have a personal interest in his spiritual growth. He's already holier than I'll ever be. He loves to pray and go to Mass, he is in awe of Father, and every once in a while delights us with an impersonation of Father when he prays with his hands outstretched. You can learn a lot from the faith of a child.

My darling Judah, I hope that I will always encourage you to love Jesus radically.
Joe and Ruth Ann, thank you for giving me the opportunity to be such a part of your family.

Holy Week

The Lenten journey culminates during Holy Week.

Every year, I find this to be the most difficult week of Lent. Every year I'm surprised by that fact. You'd think I'd get with the program and possibly prepare myself.

Though, ever year it's something different which resonates in my heart and calls me to reflect on my flawed nature. So, what could I possibly do to prepare?

The response is of course, prayer. These mindful moments of my sinfulness call me into the depths more than any lofty experiences could. Standing before God in the knowledge that I am completely unworthy of His love is a painful and beautiful experience. All I have to do is look at the cross and the weight of Christ's death settles upon my soul. Christ chose me.

This isn't just some caviat that you hear over and over at any given talk at any given retreat. This is reality. Christ thirsted so much for my soul, and desired so much that I be clean one day, that he chose me. He chose to be scouraged, he chose to be mocked and he chose the cross, for me.

Each Holy Week, God asks me to trust him and jump without question into His love. My human frailness is never equipped to leap. To stand before the edge of His will and trust that His will is better than anything I could have pictured for myself. Each year he helps me in my littleness and inability. Do I trust in the resurrection? The answer of course is yes, but sometimes I need help leaping.

May the joy of Easter fill your heart.

"Did that hurt?"

I was back in Iowa a couple weeks ago and Roman and I were "taking turns" with my computer. I would look at this or that and then after three seconds he would want to play with the keyboard. One of the pages I went to was my blog. When I opened it, Roman asked "Did that hurt?" I didn't know what he meant but then he pointed to my old banner. I tried to explain that the pens I'd superimposed weren't really scratching my face, but he didn't really get it. Needless to say it was time for a change.

We're at that point in Lent where our Lenten sacrifices start to hurt. Slowly giving up caffeine entirely is starting to make me drag a little, which is making it harder to get up for Mass, which is making it harder to focus. etc. etc. etc. I'm sure you have you're own "the frog ran from the cat, who ran from the dog, who ran from the pig, who ran from the cow..."

The true test of Lent happens in these moments. Yes, there are moments where I fail and watch tv shows on my computer even though I said I wasn't going to. The question is, do I try again? Refusing to let the weight of the world pull me down into nothingness is why Lent is so beautiful. Each day I can choose to love Christ through giving him my failings and asking him to make them new.

The mystery of the cross is my nephew's question, "Did that hurt?" The answer of course is yes, but the beauty is that Christ thirsted so much for my love, that he chose the cross! That was his perfect act of love for my soul. I'm so used to my comfortable life that when these little offerings start to hurt and I'm face-to-face with my own weaknesses, I tend to say "tomorrow."

I pray every day for Christ to help me choose the cross with Him.

In the words of my friend, Graceanne, said with an Irish accent: "Joyous March to ya!"

Full Throttle

I was taping some receipts together today at work to make copies of them. One of my more glamorous and illustrious tasks during the day. This is usually the part where I think about reasons why I'm not where I'm supposed to be.

Today I was filled with a simple joy. It might be because the weather outside is so delightful. Birds singing, sun shining, and it's still breezy. It might be because I'm more active now that it's nice outside, I've taken a walk every day for a week now. It might be that I've kicked the caffeine haze from my slow downward slope of giving it up and now feel awake and refreshed in the morning.

Though all those reasons are good, the only one that can really explain my joy is that Christ is once again the center of my day. Go ahead and pick your jaw up off the floor from your shock at this statement.

For so many months I've been walking around in a daze. Going to daily Mass because I know it's good for me. Oversleeping a morning one, so straggling into an evening Mass when I'm tired, cranky and hungry. It's so easy for me to justify my lack of zeal and attention by a few simple words "at least I'm here." HA!

You do not make it to heaven by saying "at least I'm..." Not good enough. I realized today that my joy came from the attention I was able to stoke up for Mass this morning. My heart was open and thirsty and Christ certainly filled me up. These rare moments are glimpses of what my life could be like if I really let Him drive.

I wish I could live every day full throttle.

Living Life

I am the gate, if anyone enters through me he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy, I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

John 10:9-10

I know some of you have been waiting to hear what I have decided to do for Lent. Simply put, I have decided to Live Life!

If you're like me, you pause and wonder at that statement. It may not be a list of specific things I'm giving up and another list of things I'm adding into my day, but this Lent I choose to live. I've decided that it's my goal, but I'm still discovering what that means. It's part of my journey through the desert.

Last Lent I mentioned that the desert was a place where God calls us to himself and renews us. It's a place of temptation and victory, a place of granted promise and an intimate place God can speak words of truth to us.

Taking that with me more deeply this year, I am confronted with life itself. Do the daily choices I make lead me to live life abundantly? Probably not. Lent, itself is a journey. It's not about succeeding the first day, but challenging yourself to constantly grow throughout the 40-days.

Some things I've seen the need to work on:

• Waking up in the morning! so I can go to Mass early instead of late when I'm tired.
• Giving more time to God in prayer each day.
• No more tv-shows on my lap top in the evenings.
• And so much more.

Praying for everyone's Lent, please pray for mine.

Opportunities for Growth

I was looking at my blog thinking I should probably post something soon. I continued thinking, only to discover that I had no idea what I would write about. Most of things I find new and exciting in my life are other people's news. For example:

• One of my best friends, Erin Mone, was just awarded the Mater Ecclesia Scholarship.

It's a scholarship that was created to help young people wishing to pursue a religious vocation take care of ther college debt so that they may enter. Erin's monthly premiums will be paid courtesy of this scholarship as soon as she leaves for France in June. Exciting and selfishly sad as I'll have to kiss our phone conversations and hang-out times goodbye. I've always been good at writing letters.

• My friend Shirley just moved into a new apartment.

She's been wanting to move for a while and has now found a place. The exciting part is she lives near a walking path, so our evening strolls can maybe start back up soon. Also she has a beautiful kitchen and will surely be making fun foods she'll want me to come taste. Best.ever.

• My older brother and his wife just had their third baby.

Silas David Pometto 7lb 10 oz was born on February 22 at 9:50pm after a smoothe natural labor! Extremely exciting considering the miraculous cure to a complication several months ago. My mom is in Iowa for three weeks helping with the transition, which is great because it's easier for me to drive four and a half hours to go see her instead of the thirteen it takes to get to South Carolina. I'll be on my way to Iowa again shortly: playtime with Roman and Judah, cuddle time with Silas, and gleaning wisdom from mom and RuthAnn, what could be better?

The question is: am I an experience mooch?

With so many of the events that fill my day consisting of the goings on of those closest to me, where does that leave my life? Don't get me wrong, it's not a question that keeps me up at night. I feel that I live a very full life. There are things I would change: I'd be less lazy and actually go to Mass everyday, and my apartment would always be clean. None of that changes the fact that I am loved by many wonderful people.

Lent is coming up, so these ponderings are catapulting me into discerning what my regimine should be for Lent. I'm still working out the details but I am going to live Lent to its fullest potential. How about you?

S.N.O.W.

Here's the deal.

Currently I am sitting on my couch, not ashamed to say that I'm drenched in sweat, and completely exhilarated.

Last night, I experienced the wonder that is a thunder-snow. Maybe you heard about the blizzard that rolled through Peoria, during which I was startled by a flash of light out my window. It was followed by the slow rumble of thunder. Little unnerving at first, but then it was pretty exciting.

Amidst that interesting storm, about 24 inches of snow descended on Peoria. Most of it landed on my car. I used to carry a shovel in the back of my car, but took it out over the summer. It's now at my brother's house, and Iowa is pretty far from Peoria.

As I sat on my couch earlier today I contemplated several options for digging my car out. The first was a frying pan. Pretty shovel-like except for the handle being a bit short in the reach. I thought of dragging my bike outside and using the back tire to scrape the snow away from my car. Not so practical. I looked around my place to discover something that might work. I looked for a long second at my vacuum and decided definitely against that.

I turned my head and spotted my 'side table.' My current side table is a plastic bin with the shut lid. I have about a dozen empty bins just like it in my closet. After another minute I decided that I should try to attack the snow around my car with an empty plastic bin.

I bundled up and headed out into the snow.

• My car is in the middle
• The car to the left wasn't there when I started
• Not too far into my project that car pulled in. Its driver was very nice and offered to push me out. Not a good idea to roll over two feet of snow without clearing it out though. Plus I had nowhere to be and I thoroughly enjoy playing in the snow.
• I saw four people with similar reactions to my make-shift shoveling.
• I created a giant snow hill, to the left, call it "Fred"
• There's a smaller one to the right as well.
• This adventure brought me back to snow-days growing up. Playing in the snow with my brothers and the dog until we were called inside and loving every minute of it.

Anyway, I had a GREAT time out there shoveling my car out. I love playing in the snow.

So mothers, teach your kids to play in the snow! It makes these situations a game when they grow up.

That's right, I totally dug that wheel out.