I wrote before Lent that my resolution was to Live Life again! Lent has come and gone and the Easter Season is over. Somehow my flawed and very human attempts to refocus and rediscover a drive for life led me to the heart of God's will for my life.
God wills that I live life. Now that I've been led there, it all seems so simple, but the journey has been quite the experience. Each day I am faced with small choices, moments where I can decided to surrender my will into the Father's hands or keep it for myself. I will be the first to say that I do not understand the Father's will for my life! Makes surrender a little more difficult, yet he asks it of me anyway.
I met with my spiritual director recently. Our meetings are always a delight but this last one was healing and challenging all at once. Fr. Nathan asked me where I feel most alive? Good question. For someone who is still in vocation limbo, trying to define moments where I feel most alive is difficult at times. To go off what I said in my last post a little bit, I found myself facing the desires of my heart again and again.
Did I really want it? Do I really want to allow the desire for the fulfillment of my vocation run through me? To do so would require that I accept the stage in life I'm in and move forward anyway, even though I don't know what the end is going to look like. My desires are so strong and the fire of my heart is burnign so steadily that I fear that if I let loose the horses they may ravish me. What does it mean to truly wait in anticipation: to allow the fire of desire burn away your imperfections and ideals into a reality that you do know yet?
I may not know what the end is, but I can say confidently now that I do know what it's like to be alive. My sleeping soul is awake and ready for God's will. To discover what His will is exactly, I am called to be fully alive and fully myself every day. Changing and growing toward God's plan, embracing who He created me to be and the mission He has placed on my heart.
"Make haste my beloved for I am sick with love." (Song of Songs) Yet I will wait in the flames of desire.
God wills that I live life. Now that I've been led there, it all seems so simple, but the journey has been quite the experience. Each day I am faced with small choices, moments where I can decided to surrender my will into the Father's hands or keep it for myself. I will be the first to say that I do not understand the Father's will for my life! Makes surrender a little more difficult, yet he asks it of me anyway.
I met with my spiritual director recently. Our meetings are always a delight but this last one was healing and challenging all at once. Fr. Nathan asked me where I feel most alive? Good question. For someone who is still in vocation limbo, trying to define moments where I feel most alive is difficult at times. To go off what I said in my last post a little bit, I found myself facing the desires of my heart again and again.
Did I really want it? Do I really want to allow the desire for the fulfillment of my vocation run through me? To do so would require that I accept the stage in life I'm in and move forward anyway, even though I don't know what the end is going to look like. My desires are so strong and the fire of my heart is burnign so steadily that I fear that if I let loose the horses they may ravish me. What does it mean to truly wait in anticipation: to allow the fire of desire burn away your imperfections and ideals into a reality that you do know yet?
I may not know what the end is, but I can say confidently now that I do know what it's like to be alive. My sleeping soul is awake and ready for God's will. To discover what His will is exactly, I am called to be fully alive and fully myself every day. Changing and growing toward God's plan, embracing who He created me to be and the mission He has placed on my heart.
"Make haste my beloved for I am sick with love." (Song of Songs) Yet I will wait in the flames of desire.
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