It's My Birthday!

"Who me? But I'm Seven and Twenty!"

"A woman of seven and twenty," said Marianne, after pausing a moment, "can never hope to feel or inspire affection again."
 

"Sense and Sensibility" - by Jane Austen

 

 

Relax, the above is intended as a dry, witty and sarcastic joke about my age. Times and society have changed to such a pitch that even though Jane Austen frequently proclaims 27 to be the year where nothing exciting can ever happen to you again, there is still hope. After all, there is really nothing to be done about getting older, one must accept it and hope only to age well.

 

I am convinced that Jane Austen, herself, did not believe in hopeless situations. I've been rereading her work lately, or for the most part experiencing it for the first time. There are always several agonizing chapters near the end where I am perfectly convinced that there is no hope for the hero and heroine to be together. Circumstances are always against them. Yet somehow through a long night's journey into day they find their way to be together! It's amazing.

 

It is in these hopeless chapters that the main character comes to truly know themselves. The more dramatic example is that of Elizabeth Bennet in "Pride and Prejudice" who, with a suddenness born on gradual understanding, comes to find that she has been blind to the merit of Mr. Darcy. Mr. Darcy, whom every woman who has ever read or watched "Pride and Prejudice" is madly in love with. Shall wonders never cease? Yet, Jane Austen somehow finds a way to fool all of us for 3/4 of the book into agreeing with Elizabeth. Artful indeed.

 

So, what is the point here? You thought I was going to be writing about my birthday. After all, I as much assured you that this would be a birthday post from the title. Here is what re-reading Jane Austen has taught me leading into my birthday: to be thankful. To be thankful that my mother is not silly (Pride and Prejudice), that my father is not vain (Persuasion), that my sisters are not foolish (Pride and Prejudice), and that my brothers are generous (Sense and Sensibility). Thankful for the accomplishments that are to my credit and for the defects that I am always striving to correct. I am thankful for all of the women, whom I call best in my life, those friends who comfort me in every situation of my life. Among those women I am most thankful for my roommate, who by laughing at my follies helps me to step past them. As most of last year was spent recovering from whip-lash I am also extremely grateful that I have turned a corner and once again enjoy excellent health.

 

The greatest light of my life is that God has given me the grace to be faithful. I learn so much every day in how giving and generous He is in all things. He is the greatest reason that there is hope for this seemingly hopeless twenty-seven year old.

 

 

 



All Things New

And he who sat upon the throne said, "Behold, I make all things new."

Revelation 21:5

 

It isn't a coincidence that the Second Reding this Sunday, from Revelation, ended with these words.

 

Personally, I would rather write up another chapter from "Christianity and the Crisis of Culture" right now than try to reflect on the merits of change. As it is, this is all I have to offer at the moment.

 

I moved into a new apartment this weekend. I find that moving is a humbling experience no matter how prepared you are for it in advance. I find that I'm always  a little more susceptible to home sickness when I move. Signing the lease is what triggers it, I think. I am literally signing up to be away from home and family for another year. My melancholic side eats that up, and assuring myself that it is for the best does not make much difference.

 

There are several things that make this move different, and better all at once. I am moving into the biggest apartment I've had since moving to Peoria for one. I set up my bedroom this weekend and realized that the square feet of my bedroom alone probably equalled the suare footage of my first place in its entirety. That's a great change! There is a dishwasher and garbage disposal with the sink! Perhaps the best material improvement though is that there is a washer and dryer inside the unit! No more quarters for clean clothes!

 

The true cause for joy is that I will have a roommate in this new place. One of my best friends, Shirley! Shirley's friendship is one that has blessed me since I moved to Peoria. She and I went to college together, but our friendship didn't really form until I moved here and I am so grateful for it! I know that with Shirls around I will have the accountability that I need at this point in my life to live for Christ.

 

Yesterday she and I did a little Lectio Divina when our paths crossed and the above verse changed my life! We had both just been commiserating about how we need each other for spiritual accountability and then we came to this glorious verse. Christ makes all things new by the Cross, his suffereing and death provides new life to his people. So it is not without suffering that we find that God is able to make all things new. I pray that my future in this new apartment might be blessed with many more insights like this little morsel.

Essay One - Chapter Three: Christianity and the Crisis of Culture

Essay One: The Crisis of Culture

Chapter Three: Permanent Significance of the Christian Faith

Cardinal Ratzinger began this look on Christianity and Culture with the question of Rationalism. This crux of the crisis of culture lies in whether or not man can acknowledge and search the truth. In that line, he first examined the moral norms of our society. Then on a the heels of highlighting how our culture's advances in science and technology are not growing in tandem with its morality, he examines whether rationalism is a universally valid and logical mind-set. As the views and philosophy of rationalism is strictly anti-metaphysical, rather it doesn't affirm the dignity of man. 

In this chapter, Ratzinger examines Christianity as an intelligent religion, or a religion of logos (logic.) The philosophy of the enlightenment cleared the road toward higher truth. It reignited an appreciation for the good, true and beautiful. The roots of the enlightenment were searching for God, which is why in his treatise on the rationalistic world-view Ratzinger encourages it to return to its roots. In religion the search for the true, good and beautiful leads you to God as the ultimate source. Therefore, the gaze of the Christian brings harmony to the philosophies of the enlightenment.

God is the ultimate answer to the definition of man. As created in the image of God they are equal in dignity, regardless of their place in the social order. The bridge between Christianity and rationalism is openness to self-reflection. Self-reflection gives a person a readiness to accept correction, and continue to grow. This in turn allows him to return to the source, the Creator, from whom every real thing comes.

The question the world is asking is whether the world comes from a rational source or an irrational source. If the world comes from an irrational source then reason is merely a a bi-product of the world's development. In that lame line, if the world comes from an irrational source, then its reason would itself be irrational. However if the world comes from reason, then the world's end is reason, as it returns to the source. As such reason that proceeds from reason is open to all that is truly rational. 

The enlightenment set out to define morality as if God did not exist, trying to keep it essentials in order to guarantee the basis of life in society. In the beginning, this worked as society already had fundamental Christian convictions. Immanuel Kant, a philosopher of the late 1700's, put God outside of reason. He saw no coherent possibility of acting in light of morality, for what are morals without God? Any way you look at it, shaping human affairs without God leads to the annihilation of man. Even if man doesn't find the path to God's existence, he ought to live as if God existed. This doesn't limit freedom, rather it supports all our human affairs.

Essay One - Chapter Two: Christianity and the Crisis of Culture

Essay One: The Crisis of Culture

Chapter Two: Significance and Limits of Today's Rationalistic Culture

When entering into a study of culture, having first come to the understanding that today's advancements are not growing in tandem with morality, we must look at two questions. The first is whether rationalism is a universally valid and completely scientific philosophy? This would mean that it was strictly rational and that the reason guiding it was common to all men. The second question, then, is whether rationalism is complete in itself? This would mean that it has no use for its own history, nor would it have any use for God.

Rationalism is guided by a set of generally valid moral values. That religion cannot be imposed by the state, that freedom must be protected, and the separation of power and control of power. This is an endeavor to respect the fundamental human rights of man. Historically, religious neutrality of state is an illusion. Only technological advancement matters, and it is what drives their philosophy.

Upon this hinge, you may see that rationalism is strictly anti-metaphysical. (Metaphysics is the philosophical study of man as being, of living life awake to the unchanging being of man, even as his physicality and surroundings change. This does not mean that he cannot improve himself, rather he exists. In fact, it is a philosophy that enables man to be most fully himself and most fully alive.) In rationalism, man is the product of himself. These general moral guidelines produce men who do not accept moral authority, where only his own calculations under given proof provide the framework for life. He defines his own morality. Therefore a philosophy, which aims to respect the rights of man, diminishes them by engendering the mutilation of man.

The rationalistic view on liberty, in turn, also leads to the self-destruction of liberty based on their self-limitation of reason. (They only believe what they can personally rationalize.) Under the lens of the rationalistic vision of man and liberty one can say that it cannot be universally valid. This philosophy is incomplete as it has divided itself from its historical roots, and by that same token has taken itself away from its source. For example, if one were to ask where this philosophy came from, and what it's founded on, the answer would be that it comes from that which man could reason. But reason without orientation to a moral norm or standard becomes a power for destruction.

This detachment from its historical roots has caused it to dispense with man entirely. Spokesmen of the natural sciences even say that man has no liberty, which contradicts one of the generally valid moral values that rationalism is founded on. It is said that man is no different from any living being and ought not be treated differently, which makes it easier for men to be more interested in protecting endangered species of wild animals, rather than concerning themselves with the rights of men.

Overall, through these points one can see that rationalism is neither strictly rational or universally valid. To move forward as a philosophy it must reestablish its contact with its roots to be complete. They must see that the failure to draw from their Christian roots (of the enlightenment) is not true tolerance. This opposition engenders antagonism between the emancipation of man from God and the religious cultures of the world. The great religions have coexisted for centuries, yet rationalism is creating a culture where nothing can coexist. Cardinal Ratzinger phrases it like this, "Relativism becomes a dogmatism that believes itself in possession of the definitive knowledge of human reason with the right to consider all else as merely a stage of human history that is obsolete." (Christianity of the Crisis of Culture, Ratzinger, Cardinal Joseph, page 45.) Man is in need of his roots if he is to survive, when you lose sight for your reason for being you lose sight of your dignity.

Essay One - Chapter One: Christianity and the Crisis of Culture

Essay One: The Crisis of Culture

Chapter One: Reflections on Cultures That Are in Conflict Today

As stated in the opening posts to my reflections on this excellent book, "Christianity and the Crisis of Culture," Cardinal Ratzinger is writing these essays to enable Christians to live intelligently in the world. This first chapter in the essay "The Crisis of Culture" immediately draws a stark comparison between living life in the knowledge of objective truth and relativism (that truth is subjective/relative to each person.)

The opening of this chapter focuses on the question "Who is man?" Ratzinger points out that from the beginning of the world, man has been given dominion over creation (Genesis 1:26.) This responsibility provides man with great opportunities, but can also be a danger to man. For man finds that he can build and advance on his own. In this way man becomes the product of his own activity. When a man is defined by his productivity he becomes nothing more than an image of man, instead of an image of God. A second danger in man having dominion over the earth is that the growth of possibilities is not matched by the development of morality. So technological advancements are made solely for the sake of advancing, without any reflection on the moral implications. No one's asking the question, does this advancement also advance the dignity of man?

We must reflect on man's freedom in tandem with his dignity. Where there is no morality, the power of man turns to destruction. Since man cannot be delivered from technology as advancement can be to the benefit of man, we must ensure that advancements come from the moral strength of man. In our times we see that there is a new moralism, one that is vague and seen as a claim addressed to others as opposed to a personal duty.

Ratzinger then turns to history, looking at the effects of the Enlightenment on European culture. I know I've heard from some people that "this is about Europe, what does that have to do with us in the US?" I found a lot of parallels between the intellectual path of the Enlightenment and that of the United States' relativistic society. Ratzinger highlights the Christian roots of Europe, and then moves into how the Enlightenment redefined the culture of Europe, actively ignoring and turning away from those roots. Under the guise of protecting others from ideas they may find offensive they created a community that excludes God. Thus forming a culture that is defined by choice, freedom of the expression of opinion, the ordering of the state to protect the rights of man, and rounding out with the prohibition of discrimination. All of which are good in themselves, but without a moral certitude these values crumble into subjective relativism. These defining goals transformed European culture into a culture led by a confused ideology. The Enlightenment claims that only the norms and substance of the Enlightenment can determine he identity of Europe. The question is whether this culture is founded on a reason common to all men? Without a society in search of the three transindentals, those of truth, beauty and goodness, its culture becomes weak, as it cannot stand on values defined by subjective choices.

In conclusion, the ever increasing technological advancement of the world is not growing in tandem with moral awareness. Since some form of morality is necessary to guide these advances, it has been diminished to universal yet abstract moral rights. These are what the Enlightenment is founded on. Even though this culture was founded in a place historically rich in Christianity, the Enlightenment chooses to hold to the mantra of a self-sustaining ideology in no need of its historical roots. So what do its concepts of choice, expression, democracy, human rights, freedom and prohibition of discrimination stand on? The vagaries of this premise automatically lend it to contradictions within its own standards of moral obligations, which leads to ta confused ideology. Turning an entire society into sheep without a shepherd. The fundamental question we must ask ourselves is: Is this culture formed on a reason that is common to all man?

Introduction: "Christianity and the Crisis of Culture"

The Introduction to "Christianity and the Crisis of Culture" was written by Marcello Pera, and is further titled "A Proposal that Should be Accepted."

I found this introduction to be riveting in its own virtue and, as opposed to some introductions to books, very necessary to proceeding any further with Cardinal Ratzinger's essays. In this introduction, the author, Marcello Pera, creates the scene by which we can understand the rest of the book. In short, the introduction is a study on the Scripture and Science. He proposes the question of whether or not the two can coincide.

Galileo

He begins by looking through history to Galileo and his letter written to Don Benedetto Castelli on December 21, 1613. For the question of science and religion has been in debate for centuries. Looking at this pivotal moment in history Pera pointed out Galileo's two theories of science and religion.The first theory was that Scripture, correctly translated, agreed with science, and in his case astronomy. Galileo's second theory being that Scripture was completely separate from science.

Let's take these theories one by one. Galileo's first theory, that Scripture agrees with science predicates these presuppositions. That scripture, as an objective truth, cannot be accommodated to our understanding. Rather, we must bend our minds to understand the truths of scripture. In this same light, scientific observations cannot be called into question by scripture because they are also objective truth. For a truth to be objective, it cannot contradict itself. Therefore science and scripture can work hand in hand, both leading to truth about the world and humanity. In this theory science and religion cannot conflict because they both proceed from the Divine Word. They advance together, enabling the others pursuits in the light of truth. Because of this science is bound to religion for the sake of harmony.

Looking at Galileo's second theory, that Scripture is completely separate from science we see a different set of presuppositions. Science and religion have two very different ends. The point of science is to discover facts, whereas the point of religion is to gain Salvation. An example he uses is that "the Holy Spirit teaches us to go to heaven, not how heaven goes." (page 8, Pera, Marcello, "Cristianity and the Crisis of Culture".) This theory pits Science against Religion, thereby completely separating them as one being irrelevant to the other. Because the two are independent of each other the cannot conflict because one cannot have anything further to add to the other. He points out further that Faith cannot be seen as proper knowledge as it is based on belief and can become subjective, thus it must be kept separate from the objective truths proved by science. The outcome of this theory is that science is free of religion for the sake of progress, even if the progress is morally wrong. It was this great division between religion and science, made by Galileo, that faith and truth became opposed to science and fact.

Immanuel Kant

It was from this divergence that the philosophies propagated by Immanuel Kant, 1724-1804, came to be. It was Kant who proclaimed that the logic of separation was more powerful than that, which unified Science and Religion. Further he said that religion must accept what science puts forth, even when science excludes God from the equation. Due to this separation the moral action, which requires God, cannot hinder science.

Hopefully you can see the trend that was started by Galileo. That science without reference to morality advances for the sake of progress only, without any reflection on what the progress will do to humanity. 

That being said, Pera goes on to say that progress of science is good and the foundations that began the Enlightenment are good. Yet there have been no checks or balances to the growth and spread of secularism. Now there is a gap between wisdom and knowledge. Further, Pera points out that all men are called to live as if God existed. For if each man, regardless of his view of God, lived as if He existed our world and society would necessarily be elevated to the genius which founded it. Living as if God existed provides, at the very least, a moral baseline from which all progress can be measured.

Road Map to "Christianity and the Crisis of Culture"

The time has come! I don't know how many people have been anxiously awaiting this, but I've been excited about it! As a precursor  I have not yet finished the entire book, merely 2/3 of it. But I feel that from that 2/3 I can begin to piece my way through it. The way I see it, by the time I catch up with blog posts to how far I am in the book, I'll be finished and ready to wrap up this exciting series.

Why does this book excite me so much? Well, it puts into glorious perspective the unique crosses believers face in our current culture. Not only that, but it points to deeper truths. These truths, if we take the time to reflect on them can make us more human, more real, and more fully alive in ourselves.

I spoke briefly about how interesting the choice of cover for this book was in my last post. This particular epitome will focus on the mode of "Christianity and the Crisis of Culture," so that in my next post, I can dive into the matter without further ado. This post can also serve as a valuable road map and reference to my future posts.

Simply put, "Christianity and the Crisis of Culture" is a collection of three essays written by, then, Cardinal Ratzinger. Here's the layout:

• Introduction
• Essay 1: The Crisis of Cultures
• Reflections on Cultures that are in Conflict Today
• The Significance and Limits of Today's Rationalistic Culture
• The Permanent Significance of the Christian Faith
• Essay 2: Right to Life
• Why We Must not Give Up the Fight
• The Law of the Jungle, the Rule of Law
• We Must Use Our Eyes!
• Essay 3: What Does it Mean to Believe?
• Faith and Everyday Life: A Fundamental Human Attitude
• Can Agnosticism be a Solution?
• The Natural Knowledge of God
• "Supernatural" Faith and its Origins
• Development of Premises
• Faith is anchored in what Jesus and the saints see
• The verification of faith in life
• Faiths "I," "you," and "we"

Here's how I plan to proceed:

I'm going to take one essay at a time. I will offer one post summarizing each of the chapters of that essay and then a final post at the end of an essay to tie it all together.

A List

I haven't posted anything in a long time! I see a lot of posts with list-posts and I actually really enjoy reading through the trains of thought. I decided that I should try a list to maybe get some of my creative juices going and sum myself up for another real blogpost soon.

My Nephews

• I could never really put into words how much being an aunt has changed my life. Everytime I play with my nephews and hang out with my brother and sister-in-law I come away changed. ---I say further proof.
• Moments of joy from my last visit include: Syncronized yelling with Roman at Little America (a children's amusement park)... things like, "SILAS!" from the top of the ferris wheel to see if little Silas would look up. That one was a little nerve racking because Roman would try to maintain eye contact and jostle our little seat back and forth. And again on another ride, "I ain't quittin' you." He remembers movie lines the way I do... Steel trap.
• Snuggling with Judah until he fell alseep on Sunday night. The poor kid had a head ache and a late nap, so while mommy and daddy finally got to go on a date, Judah and I had some quality cuddle-time before bed. I really cherish those moments. When he finally fell asleep at 10pm, I carried him into bed and he woke up just enough to give me a sassy "Bye."... as if all the trouble spent soothing him back into sleep were nothing and he was just choosing this moment to go back to bed. Hilarious.
• Silas eating a beef stick. 'Nuff said.

Young Adult Holy Hour

• I help with a Young Adult Holy Hour once a month. I provide the music. Lately...... I haven't really been planning too much ahead. Whoops there. I suppose we lazy/busy folk could say we're leaving room for the Holy Spirit to inspire us. Our next Holy Hour is tomorrow and I haven't picked anything out yet.
• Even with my chronic state of unprepaired-ness, the Holy Hours really uplift my spirit.
• The strength I receive from spending time before Our Lord is indescribable. I may fail at getting up in time for Mass the next day, but I will have quieted myself for an hour.

Fall Flavors.

• Second only to my spiritual good... I truly enjoy the sensible good of the fall coffee flavors. I used to be afraid of pumpkin spice lattes.... now, bliss.
• And maple, can we talk about maple?! Over something gingery and sweet!?! Hello! Sign me up for a sugar coma any day of the week!
• I've started counting my daily calories, no matter what, and even though I am slightly chagrinned when my count skyrockets due to a fall flavored latte... Strangely, I don't feel bad.

Kristin Striker

• For anyone who knows me even a little, they have heard of Kristin Striker. She and I have been pen pals and best friends since we were 8 years old. That's 17 years!
• Miss Kristin Striker is GETTING MARRIED!!! To one, very good man, Paul Weisheit! I've only met him once, but between that and that glowing accounts I receive from Kristin, I know he's a good man.
• Her bachelorette party is this weekend and I'm driving to Cleveland for the occasion. We'll be going to an Indian's game and dinner! I'm super excited for some quality time with the bride-to-be.

Okay, so there we have it, several lists with my odd train of thought for the afternoon.

Discerning God's Will

Change.

That word looks kind of big and lonely up there. Change is a word that immediately instills an emotion. Could be hope, fear, longing, excitement... it has a way of affecting people.

Change is inevitable. The question on my heart is how to discern the Will of God through change. What change is best for me? How many things in my life need to change? If God's will is for my good, shouldn't any and all changes make me happy?

Okay, before I get carried away with questions here, let's talk about the theme. How does a person (like me) discern the will of God?

My mother always takes us to scripture. I tend to bury my heart in the psalms and let the prudence of Holy Church speak to me through the rhythm of the Liturgy fo the Hours. It's amazing how something written so long ago, before Christ even walked the earth can hold so much bearing on life today. Filled with the angst of life on earth and the hope of a lover, waiting for his journey to eternal life. I always find it telling to my situtation, which psalms resonate in my heart. Am I being surrounded by my enemy and betrayed by a friend? Am I lost in a barren land? Am I a slave, begging deliverance? Am I a soldier, fighting for my king? Am I signing a song of victory? And that's just the psalms, don't get me started on St. Paul's letters or the Gospel of St. John.

Another means is to use the fruits of the holy spirit as a guide. Does this decision fill me with peace? Does it enable me to better hope in fortitude, and trust in abandonment? My best friend, whom I've known and loved since I was 8, is getting married. Before I even met her fiance, I knew he was the one. There was an overwhelming peace about her and all she did (there still is) that being with her fiance makes her more who she was made to be. It's a beautiful thing.

Receiving counsel is another means to know if a decision is God's will. It doesn't have to just be from a spiritual director, although definitely seek out their opinion! God places wise people in our lives, people who know and love us, and also want what's best for us. Sometimes these friends can see the tree in the middle of the forest. I am blessed with both caring friends and a loving and supportive family, who isn't afraid to ask the hard questions.

These are a few of what I would deem to be the normal means to dsicover of God's Will.


I was thinking the other day and I would like to propose a maybe more non-conventional means. Often times what I neglect to accept is that living God's Will for my life is hand-in-hand with my cross. Rather, the cross He wishes me to carry. (Exhibit A: I'm still single! Definitely did not choose this cross for myself.) So, sometimes to follow God's will is accompanied by a certain fear of the unknown. From someone who lives her life in transition, I am still afraid of fear. Still afraid that the cross God has chosen for me will be too much to bear. Fear is such a human reaction. There's nothing wrong wtih this human reaction, the key is to move past that reaction into a divine trust in God's Will.

This point, where we step off the ledge into the uknown of God's Will, is that final stage of discernment. To take our prayer, counsel and discernment into action, trusting that God's plan will sustain you, even in the face of the Cross.

Lord help me embrace my cross!

Another Friendship Post

"Friendship is nourished by sacrifice for the sake of serving one's friends and truly love thim. And without such sacrifice there can be no real friendship..."

-Bl. John Paul II

I sat on my deck last night. The warm winds of summer are beginning to blow into Peoria. I watched it fill the trees with life, the gentle sounds of its movement filling the air and mixing with the laughter of my friends. Light from inside my apartment and the lights draped about the railing of my deck cast warm glows on the faces that surounded me. It was a delightful evening.

The easy comraderie of the group, as the conversation ebbed in flowed from epic tales, to scientific fun facts, to movie analysis, filled the night. All of us united by bowls of ice cream. It was from my perch amidst my friends that joy spilled forth to fill my heart. These beautiful people who surruonded me will be gone soon, all moving toward the next stage in their lives. Yet, we will always be united in the moments we shared during their year with the Eagle Eye Institute.

This family of people, who come from all walks of life, all kinds of backgrounds, have let their hearts find solace in the rhythm of life with the Community of St. John. This shared experience of our time with the Community is not enough to forge a friendship though. The difference this year, with these people, is that I let myself be vulnerable and open to them. It's not always easy, I know that at the end of their year, they will all leave, but what a joy to build a friendship now.

I may not know what form these freindships will take in the future, but I find that I am not worried. When united through a shared desire, I know our paths will cross again.

2012 - Best Year Yet

One of my best friends has a birthday around the same time as I do in December. While celebrating the coming of another year, we both decided that 2012 was going to be our "Best Year Yet!" This is certainly a resolution that fills one with confidence and excitement for what such a positive attitude will bring you in the coming year.

If I had been asked to guess what I thought that God would do with my resolution, I would probably have listed off all of the desires of my heart in the confident hope that this being my best year yet would lead to their fulfillment.

Here we are, three months into the Best Year Yet and what has God decided to do with my resolution so far?  Let's recap:

Early in January I was in a car accident. It was both my first accident and my first ticket. All-in-all the best case scenario for that accident. I was on my way out of town and approaching a light that had turned green. I guess I spaced out after that because the traffic didn't really start moving by the time I reached the intersection and I rear-ended a truck. The truck was fine, but my poor corolla was no longer in a condition to drive out of town. So after a tow truck, I spent three weeks without my car driving a van that I borrowed from some dear friends of mine who have generous hearts.

Poverty. I wrestled with the idea through this experience, thankful that my accident hadn't caused anyone injury and for the generosity of my friends.

The first weekend of March I spent babysitting in Iowa, an experience, which in and of itself deserves a post about all the giggles and funny things my nephews said and did. On my way back to Peoria, the weather was not that great. It had snowed earlier and the roads were a deceptive and treacherous kind of slick. There were cars in the ditch just about every twenty miles the whole way back. At one point I took a side-road around a traffic jam, I didn't feel comfortable on the main road with so many semis closing in on me. On this windy back road, (ever since my first accident) I was driving like a grandma. Coming around a curve (at night) there were 6 doe deer standing in the road. I of course braked, but after realizing there was no avoiding this collision, I knew that the safest thing for me to do would be to drive into them.

Praise the Lord that I only hit one of the deer. Her body slammed into the driver's side of my car and the rest of the deer scattered. Considering the gravity of that situation, I am extremely lucky to be alive right now. Since my car was still drive-able, it was a long hour and a half to a well-lit trusted rest-stop where I could survey the damage and have a mini-break down. I did make it all the way back to my apartment after the experience, but was terribly shaken up for two days following the accident.

Poverty. Again and again, God has been showing me how to rely on the goodness of the people around me. I'm still reflecting on the idea of poverty and what it means to come before the Lord empty and trusting. I'll have another reflection on poverty soon, I'm sure, but wanted to present the idea that poverty can be a gift from God. I'd welcome any thoughts to help me in this discovery. St. Joseph is probably one of the best models of the gift of poverty (next to the Blessed Mother) and I've been asking him to show me how to take this lesson into the Best Year Yet.

The Traditional Birthday Reflection Post

I ran late to Mass on the morning of my birthday. I got there in time for the Gospel, so was very thankful I could receive Jesus on the day of my birth. I stayed a little extra after Mass to read the readings I'd missed. Good thing I did because God had a great message for me on my birthday:

Isaiah 48: 17 - 19
17	Thus says the LORD, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: "I am the LORD your God, who teaches you to profit, who leads you in the way you should go.
18	O that you had hearkened to my commandments! Then your peace would have been like a river, and your righteousness like the waves of the sea;
19	your offspring would have been like the sand, and your descendants like its grains; their name would never be cut off or destroyed from before me."

I'm not often frank on my blog. I dance around what's on my heart, hinting and posing questions that I then try to answer. This reading spoke to my heart in ways that only my Beloved could. The truth about me is that I spent a year with the Community of St. John to discern whether I had a vocation to religious life. At the end of the year I discerned that religious life was not how God was calling me to love or how he was calling me to be light to the world. Praise the Lord! But that started me on an infinitely harder journey filled with a desire for something more and an obvious time of waiting on God's timing.

This year I have said goodbye to three of my friends who have left to enter convents. The other two in this picture are in India and Texas waiting to enter at the word 'go.' It's been so beautiful to see how God has spoken to each of their hearts differently, and called them forth to be who he created. They still have a long journey to vows, but they're most certainly living God's will for them. How beautiful! How difficult it is to remain here waiting and hoping in God's plan for my life. How difficult it is to remain in the fire of desire.

"O that you had hearkened to my commandments! 

Then your peace would have been like a river..."

Such a beautiful challenge on my birthday, God calling me forward and beyond my limitations toward his heart. I'm of the firm conviction that God is using this time of waiting to prepare me for the trials of married and family life. Looking back I certainly wasn't ready for them when I was in college, and even looking back one year I can see how I was not ready. If only I would listen!!!! It is so hard to live by God's laws. To be humble and obedient to Him, to remain faithful and always listen for His voice in my daily life.

"Let me rise then and go about the city, through the streets and squares; let me seek him whom my soul loves." I sought him but I did not find him. 

Song of Songs 3: 2

Oh that I might so desire God's will that I actively seek him each day. If you think of it, my desire for God's will would compel me to be most myself. It's that kind of desire that compelled the saints to live heroic virtue. It's that kind of desire, which will build a culture of life and a civilization of love. As young people we are given a beautiful gift in our unique ardor for life. For my birthday, God woke me up to my unique call to live life now, living in hope of what is to come in His plan for my life. Then peace shall abound.

The Way of Delight

I try, as often as I can, to go out for a bike ride after work. It automatically creates space and distance from the desk and it's good for me too!

I'm a big fan of riding the Rock Island State Trail. The beautiful thing about the trail, especially right now is that it's surrounded by trees. If you've ever read Anne of Green Gables and tried to imagine the way of delight or lover's lane, the Rock Island State Trail is pretty close. In fact, I'm going to allow myself an Anne moment and rename the trail because let's face it the Way of Delight just fits my little trail.

The beautiful thing about tonight's ride was that it took place near sunset. It was hard to tell pedaling forward whether the vibrant and vivid colors I saw in the trees were true fall colors or the very colors of the sunset. The light streaking across the path and breaking through the leaves to fill the path with an otherworldly glow. Couple with that the lazy hum of a few crickets still hanging on in the warm dirt and I found a haven from the business of the world.

A moment I look forward to on every bike ride is right about where I turn around. There's this field of something that has the color of goldenrod and it grows out into the distance. Away beyond it you can see the cars whizzing to and fro as people go home to their families for dinner. And beyond the already idyllic view the sunset lit up the horizon with vivid colors that stretched forward, providing a beautiful moment to just be silent and appreciate life.

It's moments like these that make me wonder why I don't stop more often. There are so many moments in life to simply sit back and smile about, why don't I take them?! I'm going to try to remember soak up all of these delightful fall rays of gold. Life is too full of busy moments not to take advantage of quiet ones.

Toward an End

As days of my life continue forward, each marching into the next to the same rhthym, that same beat, I sometimes wonder where I'm going. To move forward and to move toward are two different ideas. To simply be moving forward doesn't necessarily imply an end goal, merely life as usual. I so much desire to be moving toward an end.

I would like to be out of vocation limbo, but I have no idea when God is going to reveal that particular end to me. Endless days of the unknowing make it hard to feel like you're moving toward anything. It can wear on a person, and without the proper guidance can run a person into the ground. It happens to some of us whether we'd like it to or not. Which is when we need to throw ourselves even more deeply, more passionately and with more conviction into the burning love Christ has for us.

The beautiful thing about God's creation is that he created each with a plan. Praise the Lord that this doesn't exclude me! If God created each with a plan, then to discover the fullness of that plan, each must be fully alive. My spiritual director was very encouraging (before he left me for the whole summer) in that to encounter God's plan for my life all I need to do is go where I am most fully myself, and ergo most fully alive. Do things that are mine to do, and live this stage of my life waiting for the fulfilment of my vocation with the same zeal as when I encounter my end.

To do this I need to be detached from those 'familiar' things that will pull me down into a pattern of predictable nothings. Each day is comprised of choices, shall I go for a walk and breathe fresh air OR sit on my couch and watch another tv episode online? When spelled out like that the choice seems obvious, I would be more awake if I went for a walk. If I can come up for a million reasons to remain asleep and join couch potatoes annonymous, you can imagine how many more reasons I give myself for why I'm not in the chapel every day.

The truth is that I cannot fight this battle alone and lately I've been trying to. Not in anything like active rebellion but those small choices I make every day that rob me of zeal and doom me to mediocrity. If I want to be moving toward my vocation, then I need to live my life walking toward it. Daring to choose to embrace my life as it is and dive into it with full abandonment.

Gaze of Friendship

I was on a road trip. I love road trips for many reasons. One of them is that it gives me a chance to mull life over.

On my way back to Peoria I stopped to see one of the most delighful and wonderful women I know. I have a plethora of beautiful friends and I love each of them dearly. Kristin Striker is one of those memorable people that I cherish. God truly placed her in my life and every time I see her I leave rejuvenated and feeling more myself. Kristin and I have been friends since we were 8 years old, we met at a Couple to Couple League Convention that our parents were attending and have been pen-pals and dear friends ever since.

As I was driving away from Kristin and toward Peoria I could feel zeal for life building up. Along with the strength to stay on the fire and continue to strive to do things that are uniquely me. As upbeat and perky as these posts are, sometimes I loose sight of that drive. Something Kristin and I talked about was living life fully alive and that when you dare to do so a person feels things deeply. Every joy: an extreme joy, every hurt: a deep pain and every friendship: a chance to encounter someone amazing. Talking to her always brings new life to my little soul.

Then I began to wonder what it is about a friendship that inspires a person to be themselves. Directly after wondering that I began to laugh a little because Kristin is a prime example. Whenever we do see each other, we are each completely centered on the other person. "Oh, I've talked too much..." "But what about you..." My true delight was hearing all the details of her life and sharing in the joys and sorrows and confusions. When someone looks at you with the gaze of friendship it gives you the freedom to be more alive, more yourself. When both are simply finding joy in the other person, each has the utmost freedom to be themselves and to cultivate a spirit of joy.


















My visit with Kristin has given me the audacity to continue to thirst for fullness of life. I feel very blessed to have so many friends who remind me of what a joy it is to live life fully alive.

Word of the day: Waiting

Dear Tuesday: Please find a way to speed up for only part of the day... and then just let the hours hang out until midnight. -Me.

Last night, I slept like a four year old. LITERALLY. I woke up this morning thinking about my nephew, Roman, who is almost four. When Iwas out at their house for Easter, I woke up Easter morning around 5am to Joe sitting Roman down on top of the couch I was sleeping on (I don't think he knew I was there) saying, "Roman, you cannot be awake right now, it's too early. I know you're excited, but everyone is sleeping. Aunt Mary is sleeping, Mommy is sleeping, Grandpa is sleeping... so you need to go back to bed."

I have a very exciting evening coming up. And even though my exciting adventure doesn't start until close to eleven, I found myself tossing and turning all night. "When will it be morning? I hope I don't oversleep..." All kinds of things. Not only did I not oversleep, but I woke up at 6. I haven't woken up that early in months. And I was awake! Weird.

I've been thinking today about the hours spent waiting for something exciting to happen, where time just seems to plod on by, same as yesterday. And then when something new enters the picture, time starts to march forward, taking you easily from one day to the next. Then you have moments of joy that you've been expecting for a while. Those seem to take ages to arrive and then are over in the blink of an eye.

The reality is, that the second hand has been moving at the same pace since the dawn of time. What is it in our experience as human that makes it rush and then ebb?

Question of the day.

Godmother

I have been a Godmother for almost two years now. It's hard to believe that baby Judah now eats everything in sight, climbs whatever he pleases, and is full of spunky personality.

My sister-in-law is always so good about allowing me to be a part of her growing family. Last Mother's Day I received a card from Judah, which was such a sweet and beautiful gesture. This year, Ruth Ann made a video from Judah to me. I've watched it probably twenty times this evening.

The thing that struck me most about the video was how much my heart leaps at the sight of my Godchild. I love all of my nephews, but Judah has truly captured my heart.

How beautiful the gift of being a godparent is. I not only get to be Judah's Aunt, but I get to have a personal interest in his spiritual growth. He's already holier than I'll ever be. He loves to pray and go to Mass, he is in awe of Father, and every once in a while delights us with an impersonation of Father when he prays with his hands outstretched. You can learn a lot from the faith of a child.

My darling Judah, I hope that I will always encourage you to love Jesus radically.
Joe and Ruth Ann, thank you for giving me the opportunity to be such a part of your family.

S.N.O.W.

Here's the deal.

Currently I am sitting on my couch, not ashamed to say that I'm drenched in sweat, and completely exhilarated.

Last night, I experienced the wonder that is a thunder-snow. Maybe you heard about the blizzard that rolled through Peoria, during which I was startled by a flash of light out my window. It was followed by the slow rumble of thunder. Little unnerving at first, but then it was pretty exciting.

Amidst that interesting storm, about 24 inches of snow descended on Peoria. Most of it landed on my car. I used to carry a shovel in the back of my car, but took it out over the summer. It's now at my brother's house, and Iowa is pretty far from Peoria.

As I sat on my couch earlier today I contemplated several options for digging my car out. The first was a frying pan. Pretty shovel-like except for the handle being a bit short in the reach. I thought of dragging my bike outside and using the back tire to scrape the snow away from my car. Not so practical. I looked around my place to discover something that might work. I looked for a long second at my vacuum and decided definitely against that.

I turned my head and spotted my 'side table.' My current side table is a plastic bin with the shut lid. I have about a dozen empty bins just like it in my closet. After another minute I decided that I should try to attack the snow around my car with an empty plastic bin.

I bundled up and headed out into the snow.

• My car is in the middle
• The car to the left wasn't there when I started
• Not too far into my project that car pulled in. Its driver was very nice and offered to push me out. Not a good idea to roll over two feet of snow without clearing it out though. Plus I had nowhere to be and I thoroughly enjoy playing in the snow.
• I saw four people with similar reactions to my make-shift shoveling.
• I created a giant snow hill, to the left, call it "Fred"
• There's a smaller one to the right as well.
• This adventure brought me back to snow-days growing up. Playing in the snow with my brothers and the dog until we were called inside and loving every minute of it.

Anyway, I had a GREAT time out there shoveling my car out. I love playing in the snow.

So mothers, teach your kids to play in the snow! It makes these situations a game when they grow up.

That's right, I totally dug that wheel out.

Life After Eagle Eye

After a summer of trial and error trying to discover where God was calling me to be after Eagle Eye I am now happily settled in Peoria, IL. I live 20 minutes from the Brothers of St. John and 10 minutes from where I work at the Catholic Book Store.

You'd think that after spending a year with the Community of St. John, that the decision to move to Peoria would have been easy. And while, once made, it was the most right and fitting decision to make it took a lot of long hard struggles.

The one thing that remained true through my summer were the desires of my heart. To find:

• A job that was straight-up 8 hours days and 40 hour weeks
  
• A job I could leave at work
• A place I could put up some roots
• A place where I could find some form of Young Adult community

Did I have any idea where to look for these things? Nope.

It was by the grace of God that I heard that Lagron-Miller was probably hiring. I'd thought of retail, and to be honest retail anywhere else wouldn't have been something I could have been happy doing. I'm employed by wonderful people at a great company and I'm still able to use skills I gained through my education. I may not understand fully why God called me here, but He has abundantly blessed me here already. I look forward to discovering the plan as we go.

Plunging into the heart of Charity

After spending 10 days in a 10 passenger van traveling across the country with the Eagle Eye Institute, stopping at various churches and shrines, shows a person a lot about themselves. Through all the moments of still silence in the midst of the long trek, God continually strummed one word into my heart: charity.

Living in community has taught me a lot about what it takes to live charity. To truly live Christ’s call to “Love neighbor as self,” is an extraordinary virtue. Because when you analyze it, you find that you actually have to put your neighbor before yourself in order to even come close to living charity.

The hardest part of that for me while living in community is that I know these women. I see them day in and day out, I know their strengths and I know their weaknesses. Unfortunately, the weaknesses often shine more brightly than all the beautiful strengths. I know that my weaknesses tend to stand out more when I examine my life. The challenge is to love them through their weaknesses. Allowing their weaknesses to be a source of light and love is something foreign and difficult.

It’s amazing that it’s taken me 23 years to discover that I can’t do it. I’m not a sufficient source of love in those difficult moments. But before the walls of hopelessness could close in around me, I realized that Christ loves them because of their weaknesses, as he loves me.

Tackling every relationship with renewed vigor is also too much for me. In discovering a little more about what it means to live charity in a community, I have had to lean more heavily on Christ. Those split seconds where too much can be said in a situation have become a moment to remember how much Christ loves the beautiful women I’m surrounded by.

It’s encouraging to find the victory of the Cross in these small moments. I, more often than not, fail my sisters, but Christ never fails them. Through his unquenched desire for them, He’s given me new life, offering me opportunities to place them before my own wants and desires. In relying on Him for my strength I’ve witnessed, through Christ’s victories over my weaknesses, His love for them. In teaching me humility He’s showing me how beautifully my sisters in community sparkle, and how much it delights Him.