Embers

"I came to cast fire on the earth and how I wish it were already blazing."

Luke 12: 49

Pentecost is coming this weekend and the fact that this just dawned on me today explains a lot about my thoughts these days: all over the place.

I recently helped run audio for the St. John Summer Conference, put on by the Community of St. John in Princeville, IL. The conference itself is meant to help young adults go deeper in their faith. I've been around the Community of St. John since I was 16, and I learned early not to settle into complacency with them. "Same old retreat..." The schedule may be the same, but it's never the same retreat.

I'm blessed that I have the skills necessary to monitor audio levels and enter into prayer. I may not always be able to split my attention, but I was able to find enough moments of calm to give God my full attention this weekend. And boy is He moving!

I came away from each day of the retreat with my heart pulled in new and deeper directions. He called me to come and rest, but I feel like I'm getting a spiritual workout these days. He is asking me to trust Him with my heart. I've spent so many days thinking I could protect it myself under frail fingers that opening them is terrifying. All I had to do was ask, and not only has He taken my fear, but He's been remodeling. "Yes, that's right, knock down that wall right there, we're going to start over." Beep, beep, beep. A truck backs up and the pendulum swings into those moss encrusted walls.

PAINFUL! "Shoot Lord, be nice! St. Anthony, talk to Him, will you?" Also thoughts of "I'll tell your mom on you!" but Our Lady is already here, she's been holding my hand while I watch the destruction. Even while writing this, I can't help but smile, because the joy of the reconstruction far exceeds the pain I'm suffering now. And then it dawned on me that Pentecost is this weekend, and the anticipation of the coming of the Holy Spirit has taken me. It seems God wants to make a little extra room for the Holy Spirit to move around in me. I am filled with hope.

"Tongues as of fire settled upon the apostles." Acts 2:3

The image of fire is standing out strikingly in my mind's eye today. It's the only facsimile to what's going on in my heart. Consumed by fire. There is a reflection that my spiritual director is fond of using when wrapping up a campfire. By this point the stars are at full shine and the only thing illuminating the front field is the glow of the embers. Father compares the embers to the fire of God's love, burning off all the imperfections, giving heat and light. He says it more eloquently than I ever could, but the image is striking.

What pain and what joy, to be consumed by the fire of God's love. Saints like St. Theresa of Avila and St. John of the Cross knew it well. I know I haven't reached any lofty heights of contemplative prayer, but the spirit of silence is setting me ablaze. God is moving the walls of my heart and He's given me the grace to watch.

I was not expecting the pain. It's not like breaking your heart, it's a consuming and sweet desire to allow Christ to do what He wishes. I've been praying for patience, so of course during this time Christ is testing my desire for that virtue. He's keeping me discombobulated, trusting from day to day that His love is sufficient and His will is perfect.

The hard part is staying on the fire.