I recently went to confession. The strength of this beautiful sacrament always fills me with awe.
One of my many goals is to discover how to live each stage of my life well. To be fully alive throughout my whole life. It's a hard mountain to climb and my second winds come from Confession. It's not always easy to continue to climb when I don't know how much further until I reach a peak.
This week the priest spoke with me about trusting God. He touched on the very thought that it's hard to always trust God when it's uncertain what the plan is. The wisdom he gave me was that God's plan is never static, it's constantly moving forward, and if you're living life fully alive you are always in God's plan. He advised that I take some time in prayer to check in to see where God is moving in my life.
God is moving in the silence. In this non-fulfillment of my vocational desires he is moving.
We are always called to hunger and thirst for truth, for fullness, for life itself! This paradox of not being satisfied with where I'm at and yet resting in the knowledge that His grace is sufficient is filling me right now. The audacity of hope is not something that's easy to define.
The challenge is to be fully alive and fully myself in all things. Never to hide behind fear or complacency, but dive fully into life. This trust that I so yearn for must be propelled by my firm resolve and desire for the fullness of life. If I am always striving to be more myself, I shall always be walking in God's plan for my life. The time will come and His timing will be better than my idea of perfection. For even when I do discover the fullness of my vocation the next journey will begin to discover how to live well that call.
Hope: It's a lifestyle choice.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Movie Reviews: The Adjustment Bureau
The Adjustment Bureau:
One scene is inappropriate, otherwise a well done movie.
Starring: Matt Damon, Emily Blunt
Premise: (Slight spoiler alert) Matt Damon plays a rising NY Senatorial Candidate, who bumps into the 'woman of his dreams' one day only to find out the next that she is not part of the "Adjutment Bureau's" plan for him. In stumbling onto the existence of the Adjustment Bureau, he discovers that they are men who can travel through subspace using doors (dressed in bowler caps) and they adjust decisions and situations to fit 'The Plan.' All under the direction of "The Chairman." Matt Damon fights the idea that 'free will' is an illusion to win the girl and a life of his own making, in the end entering through the doors of the Adjustment Bureau, risking having his memory obliterated to spend what time he had left with 'the one,' showing that he chooses her.
Philosophical questions posed: Choice, Free Will, fulfillment through friendship, desire
Cinematic Notes:
Hats: The Adjustment Bureau wears hats. This is an illusion to the "Man in the Bowler" painting.
Significance: The man in the bowler has no face, thus signifying "The Man," so in film when this imagery is used, usually in stark oposition to a character they're illustrating modern man's struggle against "The Man." It's also significant to Power Struggles, or in this movie, the battle for autonomy and free will. At the end of the film when the main character takes the hat for himself, he's taking his life into his own hands, takign it from "The Man."
Lighting: Many of these scenes feature rows of lights, either above the head in a large warehouse setting, or on desks stretching across above heads that are sitting at tables. etc.
Significance: This signifies two things: Man under Scrutiny and it adds to the imagery of Man in a cage. This is a mind bender, so cage mantra comes back in many different forms on all the characters, both in and out of the adjustment bureau.
The Cage Motif: Found subtly behind the characters through pillars, wall design, room design etc.
Significance: It points toward each of the characters being placed in a box and operating per the boxes perameters. Only at the end do you have wide open spaces when choice has been put into act and Matt Damon stands up for his Friend.
Chess Boards: The flooring of many of the shots with the A.B. contains a checker pattern.
Significance: This is pointing toward a chess match between the protaganist and antagonist. Who is behind each side? "The Chairman" vs. Matt Damon.
Water: In the movie water stunts the ability of the A.B.
Significance: In film, water is significant of change, especially rain because rain washes away existing into change. So at the climax of the film it's pouring rain.
Staircases: In this film they pit the staircase against the door
Significance: In film, stairs signify rising to an occasion and taking ones fate into their own hands. Hence so many chase scenes on spiral staircases. The spiral staircase is also significant of a search for truth, around each bend. Dizzying to the center, usually the summit.
Doors: To stay on one side or go to the other, especially highilghted by the fact that one side of the door is another place entirely. Idea of movement and again, choice.
Review: I found this film to be intellectually stimulating. The vivid cinematic motifs used to portray a quest for the answer to the questions of free will and choice made for a dynamic game of cat and mouse through this quest for power. There was some dissatisfaction, for me, in the end resolving of the question, but the movement of man fighting for choice was stunning. The key is that it poses philosophical questions that one can then think about once the movie ends. A triumphant leap from choice into action, instills in the viewer a need to do the same in ones own life. There is a light treatment on the fulfilment of self through friendship. For a person who is so 'other' than you that they inspire you into life versus a static relationship that is comfortable. A well done film with one inappropriate scene I would suggest skipping if you watch it at home.
One scene is inappropriate, otherwise a well done movie.
Starring: Matt Damon, Emily Blunt
Premise: (Slight spoiler alert) Matt Damon plays a rising NY Senatorial Candidate, who bumps into the 'woman of his dreams' one day only to find out the next that she is not part of the "Adjutment Bureau's" plan for him. In stumbling onto the existence of the Adjustment Bureau, he discovers that they are men who can travel through subspace using doors (dressed in bowler caps) and they adjust decisions and situations to fit 'The Plan.' All under the direction of "The Chairman." Matt Damon fights the idea that 'free will' is an illusion to win the girl and a life of his own making, in the end entering through the doors of the Adjustment Bureau, risking having his memory obliterated to spend what time he had left with 'the one,' showing that he chooses her.
Philosophical questions posed: Choice, Free Will, fulfillment through friendship, desire
Cinematic Notes:
Hats: The Adjustment Bureau wears hats. This is an illusion to the "Man in the Bowler" painting.
Significance: The man in the bowler has no face, thus signifying "The Man," so in film when this imagery is used, usually in stark oposition to a character they're illustrating modern man's struggle against "The Man." It's also significant to Power Struggles, or in this movie, the battle for autonomy and free will. At the end of the film when the main character takes the hat for himself, he's taking his life into his own hands, takign it from "The Man."
Lighting: Many of these scenes feature rows of lights, either above the head in a large warehouse setting, or on desks stretching across above heads that are sitting at tables. etc.
Significance: This signifies two things: Man under Scrutiny and it adds to the imagery of Man in a cage. This is a mind bender, so cage mantra comes back in many different forms on all the characters, both in and out of the adjustment bureau.
The Cage Motif: Found subtly behind the characters through pillars, wall design, room design etc.
Significance: It points toward each of the characters being placed in a box and operating per the boxes perameters. Only at the end do you have wide open spaces when choice has been put into act and Matt Damon stands up for his Friend.
Chess Boards: The flooring of many of the shots with the A.B. contains a checker pattern.
Significance: This is pointing toward a chess match between the protaganist and antagonist. Who is behind each side? "The Chairman" vs. Matt Damon.
Water: In the movie water stunts the ability of the A.B.
Significance: In film, water is significant of change, especially rain because rain washes away existing into change. So at the climax of the film it's pouring rain.
Staircases: In this film they pit the staircase against the door
Significance: In film, stairs signify rising to an occasion and taking ones fate into their own hands. Hence so many chase scenes on spiral staircases. The spiral staircase is also significant of a search for truth, around each bend. Dizzying to the center, usually the summit.
Doors: To stay on one side or go to the other, especially highilghted by the fact that one side of the door is another place entirely. Idea of movement and again, choice.
Review: I found this film to be intellectually stimulating. The vivid cinematic motifs used to portray a quest for the answer to the questions of free will and choice made for a dynamic game of cat and mouse through this quest for power. There was some dissatisfaction, for me, in the end resolving of the question, but the movement of man fighting for choice was stunning. The key is that it poses philosophical questions that one can then think about once the movie ends. A triumphant leap from choice into action, instills in the viewer a need to do the same in ones own life. There is a light treatment on the fulfilment of self through friendship. For a person who is so 'other' than you that they inspire you into life versus a static relationship that is comfortable. A well done film with one inappropriate scene I would suggest skipping if you watch it at home.
Monday, October 3, 2011
The Way of Delight
I try, as often as I can, to go out for a bike ride after work. It automatically creates space and distance from the desk and it's good for me too!
I'm a big fan of riding the Rock Island State Trail. The beautiful thing about the trail, especially right now is that it's surrounded by trees. If you've ever read Anne of Green Gables and tried to imagine the way of delight or lover's lane, the Rock Island State Trail is pretty close. In fact, I'm going to allow myself an Anne moment and rename the trail because let's face it the Way of Delight just fits my little trail.
The beautiful thing about tonight's ride was that it took place near sunset. It was hard to tell pedaling forward whether the vibrant and vivid colors I saw in the trees were true fall colors or the very colors of the sunset. The light streaking across the path and breaking through the leaves to fill the path with an otherworldly glow. Couple with that the lazy hum of a few crickets still hanging on in the warm dirt and I found a haven from the business of the world.
A moment I look forward to on every bike ride is right about where I turn around. There's this field of something that has the color of goldenrod and it grows out into the distance. Away beyond it you can see the cars whizzing to and fro as people go home to their families for dinner. And beyond the already idyllic view the sunset lit up the horizon with vivid colors that stretched forward, providing a beautiful moment to just be silent and appreciate life.
It's moments like these that make me wonder why I don't stop more often. There are so many moments in life to simply sit back and smile about, why don't I take them?! I'm going to try to remember soak up all of these delightful fall rays of gold. Life is too full of busy moments not to take advantage of quiet ones.
I'm a big fan of riding the Rock Island State Trail. The beautiful thing about the trail, especially right now is that it's surrounded by trees. If you've ever read Anne of Green Gables and tried to imagine the way of delight or lover's lane, the Rock Island State Trail is pretty close. In fact, I'm going to allow myself an Anne moment and rename the trail because let's face it the Way of Delight just fits my little trail.
The beautiful thing about tonight's ride was that it took place near sunset. It was hard to tell pedaling forward whether the vibrant and vivid colors I saw in the trees were true fall colors or the very colors of the sunset. The light streaking across the path and breaking through the leaves to fill the path with an otherworldly glow. Couple with that the lazy hum of a few crickets still hanging on in the warm dirt and I found a haven from the business of the world.
A moment I look forward to on every bike ride is right about where I turn around. There's this field of something that has the color of goldenrod and it grows out into the distance. Away beyond it you can see the cars whizzing to and fro as people go home to their families for dinner. And beyond the already idyllic view the sunset lit up the horizon with vivid colors that stretched forward, providing a beautiful moment to just be silent and appreciate life.
It's moments like these that make me wonder why I don't stop more often. There are so many moments in life to simply sit back and smile about, why don't I take them?! I'm going to try to remember soak up all of these delightful fall rays of gold. Life is too full of busy moments not to take advantage of quiet ones.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Toward an End
As days of my life continue forward, each marching into the next to the same rhthym, that same beat, I sometimes wonder where I'm going. To move forward and to move toward are two different ideas. To simply be moving forward doesn't necessarily imply an end goal, merely life as usual. I so much desire to be moving toward an end.
I would like to be out of vocation limbo, but I have no idea when God is going to reveal that particular end to me. Endless days of the unknowing make it hard to feel like you're moving toward anything. It can wear on a person, and without the proper guidance can run a person into the ground. It happens to some of us whether we'd like it to or not. Which is when we need to throw ourselves even more deeply, more passionately and with more conviction into the burning love Christ has for us.
The beautiful thing about God's creation is that he created each with a plan. Praise the Lord that this doesn't exclude me! If God created each with a plan, then to discover the fullness of that plan, each must be fully alive. My spiritual director was very encouraging (before he left me for the whole summer) in that to encounter God's plan for my life all I need to do is go where I am most fully myself, and ergo most fully alive. Do things that are mine to do, and live this stage of my life waiting for the fulfilment of my vocation with the same zeal as when I encounter my end.
To do this I need to be detached from those 'familiar' things that will pull me down into a pattern of predictable nothings. Each day is comprised of choices, shall I go for a walk and breathe fresh air OR sit on my couch and watch another tv episode online? When spelled out like that the choice seems obvious, I would be more awake if I went for a walk. If I can come up for a million reasons to remain asleep and join couch potatoes annonymous, you can imagine how many more reasons I give myself for why I'm not in the chapel every day.
The truth is that I cannot fight this battle alone and lately I've been trying to. Not in anything like active rebellion but those small choices I make every day that rob me of zeal and doom me to mediocrity. If I want to be moving toward my vocation, then I need to live my life walking toward it. Daring to choose to embrace my life as it is and dive into it with full abandonment.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
For the love... of vocation
I have a calendar on my desk, mostly to remind me what day it is while I'm doing my bookkeeping, but also as a moment of inspiration. It's the "Bl. Pope John Paul II: Words to Live By" calendar and I love it. Yesterday there was a quote that resonated with me:
"Creating the human race in his own image and continually keeping it in being, God inscribed in the humanity of man an woman the vocation, and thus the capacity and responsibility, of love and communion. Love is therefore the fundamental and innate vocation of every human being." (Pope John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation: On the Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World, November 22, 1981.)
This one paragraph is packed with meaning and depth, as is all of Bl. Pope John Paul II's writing. Our late holy father reminds us of our responsibility to love in truth. For written in our very nature as human is the capacity to love. The unique treasure of self-gift, to put another before your own wants and needs, is inseperable from our call to live our vocations.
A monk, Br. Isaiah CSJ, once said to me that, "Every vocation is a vocation to love." His words have stayed with me over many years of my life. How simple the answer of love, how complex the question of how am I called to love? It's the journey of discovering your vocation.
For me, I know how I am called to love, the problem is that I'm waiting for the fullfilment of my vocation. Who am I to argue with God's timing? The beautiful thing about love is its freedom to grow. Even though my vocation isn't standing tangibly before me, I am still called to grow in love and to be fully myself in the expression.
Bl. Pope John Paul II just gave me a friendly reminder to never say "It's not time yet." The fullness of life is in your ability to be who you are.
"Be who you are and you will set the world on fire." -Catherine of Sienna
"Creating the human race in his own image and continually keeping it in being, God inscribed in the humanity of man an woman the vocation, and thus the capacity and responsibility, of love and communion. Love is therefore the fundamental and innate vocation of every human being." (Pope John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation: On the Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World, November 22, 1981.)
This one paragraph is packed with meaning and depth, as is all of Bl. Pope John Paul II's writing. Our late holy father reminds us of our responsibility to love in truth. For written in our very nature as human is the capacity to love. The unique treasure of self-gift, to put another before your own wants and needs, is inseperable from our call to live our vocations.
A monk, Br. Isaiah CSJ, once said to me that, "Every vocation is a vocation to love." His words have stayed with me over many years of my life. How simple the answer of love, how complex the question of how am I called to love? It's the journey of discovering your vocation.
For me, I know how I am called to love, the problem is that I'm waiting for the fullfilment of my vocation. Who am I to argue with God's timing? The beautiful thing about love is its freedom to grow. Even though my vocation isn't standing tangibly before me, I am still called to grow in love and to be fully myself in the expression.
Bl. Pope John Paul II just gave me a friendly reminder to never say "It's not time yet." The fullness of life is in your ability to be who you are.
"Be who you are and you will set the world on fire." -Catherine of Sienna
Friday, July 15, 2011
Stones
"Harden not your hearts as your fathers did in the wilderness." Psalm 94
What makes a hard heart? It's a question I have been asking myself for a week. A better question, as always, would be why? Why harden your heart? Is it a choice or is it something that grows slowly? Becoming accustomed to the slowly warming water until, before you realize it, it's boiling and a hard shell forms.
After my week of reflection (more thought time to follow) I believe the root of a hardened heart is fear coupled withe experience. We all know and have experienced the heartaches of life, some are more traumatic than others. For the most part, we get wise and approach things differently the next time around. What if the next time around, the answer is to close up? What if we allow fear to change how we live our life, trying desperately to guard our own hearts without real thought to coming hardness.
While a hardening heart, I believe is a gradual change, some people show it more than others. Those jaded and synical, whose judgmental eye is just another form of hardness, those we can see clearly. We all know someone like this. But what of those who hide a hardness of heart just below the surface? Friendships easily made and kept, but only to a persicope depth, where you can keep a visual on the surface. When things become serious or deep, fear kicks in and somehow the hidden hardness finds an outlet, petty fights, lack of empathy, self-afflicted affectations. Sounds familiar even in my own life. Fear of a pain long remembered and a wound not yet healed.
The question then becomes, what do we do with pain? I'm very aware that I have wounds still healing, and fear of pain and rejection runs through my soul from time to time. What is the proper response to pain? Very often, my gaze pauses before the cross, the only place where suffereing can come to light. All of our experiences of pain or affliction, though caused through human weakness, were still seen and destined by Christ. These moments of seeming failure and despair are in fact moments of victory over death.
Can we muster up the strength to live through the pain? Find hope in things unseen, and the fertile knowledge that true love casts out fear and heals wounds. The truest love is found in the heart of Christ as He cried "I thirst" from the cross. To have a hardened heart implies a choice, a choice to live in fear or to live as children of light, confident that the Father's Will shall lead us to life everlasting. If we take moments of pain as an opportunity to truly live, then life will engender life and those around us will see and feel its life-giving effects.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Gaze of Friendship
I was on a road trip. I love road trips for many reasons. One of them is that it gives me a chance to mull life over.
On my way back to Peoria I stopped to see one of the most delighful and wonderful women I know. I have a plethora of beautiful friends and I love each of them dearly. Kristin Striker is one of those memorable people that I cherish. God truly placed her in my life and every time I see her I leave rejuvenated and feeling more myself. Kristin and I have been friends since we were 8 years old, we met at a Couple to Couple League Convention that our parents were attending and have been pen-pals and dear friends ever since.
As I was driving away from Kristin and toward Peoria I could feel zeal for life building up. Along with the strength to stay on the fire and continue to strive to do things that are uniquely me. As upbeat and perky as these posts are, sometimes I loose sight of that drive. Something Kristin and I talked about was living life fully alive and that when you dare to do so a person feels things deeply. Every joy: an extreme joy, every hurt: a deep pain and every friendship: a chance to encounter someone amazing. Talking to her always brings new life to my little soul.
Then I began to wonder what it is about a friendship that inspires a person to be themselves. Directly after wondering that I began to laugh a little because Kristin is a prime example. Whenever we do see each other, we are each completely centered on the other person. "Oh, I've talked too much..." "But what about you..." My true delight was hearing all the details of her life and sharing in the joys and sorrows and confusions. When someone looks at you with the gaze of friendship it gives you the freedom to be more alive, more yourself. When both are simply finding joy in the other person, each has the utmost freedom to be themselves and to cultivate a spirit of joy.
My visit with Kristin has given me the audacity to continue to thirst for fullness of life. I feel very blessed to have so many friends who remind me of what a joy it is to live life fully alive.
On my way back to Peoria I stopped to see one of the most delighful and wonderful women I know. I have a plethora of beautiful friends and I love each of them dearly. Kristin Striker is one of those memorable people that I cherish. God truly placed her in my life and every time I see her I leave rejuvenated and feeling more myself. Kristin and I have been friends since we were 8 years old, we met at a Couple to Couple League Convention that our parents were attending and have been pen-pals and dear friends ever since.
As I was driving away from Kristin and toward Peoria I could feel zeal for life building up. Along with the strength to stay on the fire and continue to strive to do things that are uniquely me. As upbeat and perky as these posts are, sometimes I loose sight of that drive. Something Kristin and I talked about was living life fully alive and that when you dare to do so a person feels things deeply. Every joy: an extreme joy, every hurt: a deep pain and every friendship: a chance to encounter someone amazing. Talking to her always brings new life to my little soul.
Then I began to wonder what it is about a friendship that inspires a person to be themselves. Directly after wondering that I began to laugh a little because Kristin is a prime example. Whenever we do see each other, we are each completely centered on the other person. "Oh, I've talked too much..." "But what about you..." My true delight was hearing all the details of her life and sharing in the joys and sorrows and confusions. When someone looks at you with the gaze of friendship it gives you the freedom to be more alive, more yourself. When both are simply finding joy in the other person, each has the utmost freedom to be themselves and to cultivate a spirit of joy.
My visit with Kristin has given me the audacity to continue to thirst for fullness of life. I feel very blessed to have so many friends who remind me of what a joy it is to live life fully alive.
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