Birthdays and Advent

I celebrated my 24th birthday last week. There is so much joy that I was given from the birthday wishes of my friends and family. Since my birthday fell on a weekday I saved party plans for the weekend, giving me some good time to think about my birthday falling during Advent.

I was due on December 8th, the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, one of my favorite feasts. God, however, chose for my birthday to be December 9th the feast of St. Juan Diego. My heroic mother labored for over 30 hours, in the midst of which they let her eat some jello to keep her strength up.

When I was thinking about my birthday, the realization of being chosen for this time sank in. It's been a journey of discovery, which we are all called to travel. I feel like discovery has both been a long time coming as well as a joy in the trials. It, truly, is just beginning and I know that there are more trials ahead, but I can say with certainty that I have discovered my worth.

That sentence, by itself, could sound a little shady, so let me elaborate. I was blessed to grow up in a loving and supportive family who helped me along my journey. They have always been my north star. No matter where life takes me or what I do, I know that when I come home, everything is right. They taught me early, the value of life, especially my own. So when I say that I've discovered my worth I don't mean it in terms of personal value, but as a person.

What's the difference? Well, what makes up a person? Choices, experience, relationships, artistic ideas, interests etc. etc. Too often in this world society crushes young people with the mantra of trying to fit in or to be something acceptable to the standards showcased around them. Value is inalienable, a right we carry with us as people. But person answers the question, who am I?

Answering this question is extremely painful, which explains my love for St. Paul and his "Chains and Sacrifice." To come to accept the answer to the question, "Who am I?" you have to come to grips with the whole not just the parts you're proud of. The realization that Christ chose me for this time, flaws and all for a reason, is filled with hope. The beautiful thing about being born during Advent, is that I will always be truly mindful of Christ's birth. That awareness walks hand and hand with the truth that he came to die for me. Chosen.

Do I know why? Nope, it's part of the discovery. What an exciting adventure life is.

Advent

It's Advent again! That along with the idyllic snowfall outside my window that seems to hang in the air gives me a lot of joy.

I feel like my life can be measured by Advents come and gone. I have discovered so much about myself and life since the last Advent. Now that the days of Advent have come again the anticipation of the coming of Christmas fills and drives life.

I've been with my sister-in-law during the month before she's given birth to my beautiful nephews. The knowledge that after eight months, she would finally see the face of her babies gave RuthAnn such a quiet joy in anticipation. Amidst the nesting and long moments of waiting there are also the natural tendencies of human nature. RuthAnn is a beautiful example of the feminine heart and its genius, her love for her unborn babies is apparent throughout these days. For the human heart, it is hard to wait, especially for things that we long for in anticipation.

If my sister-in-law can be such a beautiful example of authentic femininity and what it means to wait for Christ's birth, how much more so the Blessed Virgin. Our Lady is one of my favorite people to speak of. She possesses virtue perfectly. What does it mean to wait perfectly? To know that the life inside of you is destined to save the world by the wood of the cross and to say yes in confidence?

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to trust in God's plan and His timing. Waiting is not natural to human desires. Yet, Mary's "Fiat," her "Yes" shows me so much about what it means to trust in God's plan. If Mary could say yes to the death of her son for my sake and yours, it sends a chilling awe through me at the knowledge of my own dignity. Christ desired that I be here in this time for a purpose. Just because I don't know what that is, does not mean that He is not already fulfilling it. Moment by moment, I endeavor my own fiat, asking Our Lady to purify it through her own.


May the anticipation of Advent enliven your heart and show you what it means to be loved.

An Interior Life

I was thinking today as I do most days, or try to. I was out to brunch with my friend Joan's parents and we asked them to tell us how they first met. That set me thinking about my parents, who met at a science class in college. Then they had 5 artsy children.

I've had a cold, so yesterday I ran a few errands and ended my day watching a movie and painting. Today I spent the afternoon writing. There have been several times when I've contemplated the artistic side of my personality.

What does it mean to have an interior life? For someone who is striving to discover what it means to be a contemplative and live an interior silence it's good to find the place of artistic sensibilities in the interior life.

There is a definite idea that drives an artistic project. The artist makes choices as to how to best achieve the end product. For example, the painting I started yesterday I thought to do with oils so that I could do more with blending and shading. The only thing with oil paint is that you have to use a medium, which is something like a paint thinner. The non-odorous medium I purchased turned out to be much stronger than I'd anticipated and with the woozy headache I had going to bed, I'm not very enthused about continuing the project even though I know it's not done.

From the choices made that carry an artist to the finished product there can be any number of side-paths and alternate endings to the idea. Ideas often change and mold as the choice are made. For example, when writing stories, I often ask myself why a character would act as I write him. Usually that leads me to developing the character much more than I would have going into the story, giving the character a more complex set of emotions and history. This also lends to building the plot of the story and strengthening the resolution.

With either of these examples I've spent innumerable hours thinking through things or reworking details. Until a finished product materializes there is very little that I can share with others. To view a finished product with a friend, and have a discussion as to its merits and downfalls is truly what lends art to the pursuit of truth.

My question, which I've been dwelling with for some time is that if so much of my time is spent in interior pursuits, where is its place among friends? Art is not something that is easy to share with another person, it takes very rare friendships to truly be able to share the stages of artistic idea. Therefore the question of art is not only a notable question in matters of living a contemplative life, but also in ethics or friendship.

As with most of my thoughts, I've posed many questions without too many answers. I know they're there, I just have to arrive at what is first.

Every good and perfect gift comes from the Father.

Evening Reflections

Do you ever find yourself sitting up late at night? There are moments of quiet before the mind is ready for sleep where thoughts seem to swirl and toss themselves about the brain as if it were an open sea.

Often, lately, I've found myself deep in the midst of these moments with seemingly no way out. Eventually sleep takes over and my wild thoughts take a respite. Evenings like this tend to lead into sluggish mornings where the alarm clock is some sort of distant reminder, but nothing of consequence.
I am at peace with where I am and what I do. This inner turmoil, I can see now, relatively self-afflicted. So many times in my life I've had these moments and evenings spent wondering without looking to the source of my life.

I experienced recently the depth of zeal that Christ has for my heart. Circumstances drove me out of my schedule and lessened my conviction to spend time before Him each day. When I let myself waver in that regard all else becomes circumspect and subject to question.

What is it to live a life rooted in Christ, in the Cross, embracing the chains and sacrifice that come with living a life of faith? I'm still discovering what it is, but from time to time, Christ allows me to see glimpses of such an existence.

Life After Eagle Eye

After a summer of trial and error trying to discover where God was calling me to be after Eagle Eye I am now happily settled in Peoria, IL. I live 20 minutes from the Brothers of St. John and 10 minutes from where I work at the Catholic Book Store.

You'd think that after spending a year with the Community of St. John, that the decision to move to Peoria would have been easy. And while, once made, it was the most right and fitting decision to make it took a lot of long hard struggles.

The one thing that remained true through my summer were the desires of my heart. To find:

• A job that was straight-up 8 hours days and 40 hour weeks
  
• A job I could leave at work
• A place I could put up some roots
• A place where I could find some form of Young Adult community

Did I have any idea where to look for these things? Nope.

It was by the grace of God that I heard that Lagron-Miller was probably hiring. I'd thought of retail, and to be honest retail anywhere else wouldn't have been something I could have been happy doing. I'm employed by wonderful people at a great company and I'm still able to use skills I gained through my education. I may not understand fully why God called me here, but He has abundantly blessed me here already. I look forward to discovering the plan as we go.

Saint John Summer Conference

Saint John Summer Conference 2010
"It was not you who chose me but I who chose you."
John 15:16

After months of meetings, planning, and working toward the Saint John Summer Conference, it finally all came together. After one week of intense preparation, decoration and logistical planning, the doors opened and 150 young people walked in.

Above you'll see some of the many pictures taken during the conference. Everything was beautiful. The time we took planning details out paid off through the final product.

It was a beautiful experience. Each part of the conference was due to the work and foresight of someone else. It was a unique experience to be behind the scenes, and to know just how much had been put into each moment.

I'm still reflecting on the fact that no matter how tired I was, or how little sleep any of us got, there was a unity to what we did. The driving purpose that gave us energy and the strength to love each other even though all our bad qualities came to surface in our stressful moments was the salvation of souls.

We put on a conference for 150 young people. Each of them came from a different place, each had their own experiences, struggles, and reasons for being there. They all experienced the same schedule, talks, processions as a group and each of them met Christ in their way.

I know that for me, it was worth all the bruises and struggles if only one of those 150 people took something with them. I hope to be among the 150 fed next year.

New Summer Conference Promotional Video