Love & Responsibility Post II

Love & Responsibility

CHAPTER I: The Person and the Sexual Urge

Interpretation of the Sexual Urge

In establishing the inalienable dignity of the person, as such, the concept of free will inevitably follows. Man has a natural aversion to that which impinges on his free will. We open this section by looking at the words 'instinct' and 'urge.' Both have a similar meaning in Merriam Webster: "a natural or inherent aptitude, impulse." In the sense that an urge is an uncontrollable response to one's surroundings, it is followed by negative connotations: that it impedes free will. When you think of animals, the word, 'instinct,' tends to step into the forefront. 

"Man is by nature capable of rising above instinct in his actions." (Love & Responsibility) This elevation of man through is thought and intention directs the sexual urge to an orientation toward a naturally desired good. Being born into one of the two sexes, this orientation is determined at birth. The sexual urge ought not be left to its own devices, but must be raised to the level of intention. It has the potential to become an expression of man's freedom, through the responsibility taken for his choices and actions. As such, it is something, which can be developed and deepened over time. 

That man is born to one of the two sexes, brings existential questions to the forefront. In the vocation of marriage, we see the fulfillment of this vocation working in cooperation with the sexual urge. "Hence although the sexual urge is there for man's use, it must never be used in absence of, or worse still, in a way which contradicts, love for the person." (Love & Responsibility) The responsibility for the sexual urge is that it always be elevated to the status of the dignity of the person and the good of the other; as it harbors the potential to destroy the other. The rights of each, taken to heart, breathes life into the sexual urge, allowing it to work  in harmony with the "natural order of human existence."(Love & Responsibility)

If we examine the existence of man and the dignity of the person, we find its source in the Author of Life. Man is not the source or final destination of his own existence, the First Mover is the Lord who bestows life and allows us to participate in His creative work. "Love owes its fertility in the biological sense to the sexual urge but it must also possess a fertility of its own in the spiritual, moral and personal sphere."(Love & Responsibility) It is in the divine order, that man's procreative power is enriched by its co-creative aspect. 

As with many philosophical truths, man has the ability to twist it to its polar ends in opposing views. Two such, in this instance, are the rigorist view and the libidinistic view. The rigorist interpretation condemns the sexual urge to the realm of a necessary evil in the propagation of the species. Followed to its conclusion, we find a utilitarian view wherein God Himself uses man's sexual urge to its procreative end. In the libidinistic view, we find architects of thought, such as Sigmund Freud, for whom pleasure is the reason for existence. Minimizing negative input and maximizing the positive, leads one to cast aside all else for the sake of this pursuit. This includes the dignity of the person, the object of this desire. Both views deprive the sexual urge of its capacity for authenticity. "The problem for ethics is how to use sex without treating the person as an object for use."(Love & Responsibility) The quality of love depends upon man's free choice in how he pursues it. "For the Creator, in giving men and women a rational nature and the capacity consciously to decide upon their own actions, thereby made it possible for them to choose freely the end to which sexual intercourse leads."(Love & Responsibility)

"Marriage, objectively considered, must provide first of all the means of continuing existence, secondly a conjugal life for man and woman, and thirdly a legitimate orientation for desire."(Love & Responsibility) Its the cooperation of the sexual urge with the personalistic norm through the active choice of the will. The lasting friendship between a man and a woman, in the sacrament of marriage; the free, total and faithful union of of two souls. It means sacrificing for the good of the other, in every circumstance. It is the life giving end of the sexual urge, to be the natural force that binds and strengthens the union of man and woman in marriage, elevated by the free will of the person.

Possibility

Painted by Gina McKenna

I received a beautiful gift for my birthday once, a word. 

Possibility

And as I reflect on life and the coming year, this gift fills me, yet again, with hope. Hope in the fulfillment of my unique and unrepeatable calling in this world. Every day is an opportunity to live life fully alive, rife with possibility. 

Words always enchanted me, they have a singular capability of translating interior thoughts into a common experience. Something shared. It's how friendships are formed, kept and deepened. Words extend the self. Without them, the world is full of strangers, passing silently by.

I learned very early how words could enhance or dismantle interactions. As a kid with a tempestuous nature, I unfortunately fell into the latter more frequently. My empirical wit often ran away with me. Life experiences brought restraint, and a new challenge of finding the right words. Nuance. Brave new world.

Words are a unique and unrepeatable expression of self. They present an opportunity for the gift of self and as such they have become a means for me to live life fully alive. Yet they are fickle and hidden, and the search for the right words can be arduous and taxing. As my thirtieth birthday approaches, words beckon me forward. There is so much that I have had the privilege to experience in my life, so many truly astounding friendships that have touched me, and so much more yet to communicate. My life is possibility. 

Anniversary of Change

On October 15, 2012 I began a journey that changed my life. I never would have chosen whiplash; it wasn't part of my plan to become acquainted with the deep flexers of my neck and how invaluable they are in holding my head up each day. It wasn't part of my plan for whiplash to develop into chronic pain, or to live life in the face of the pain of the every day. It's something that colors everything; mind, body and spirit. Through it I learned an invaluable lesson, that God does not will us to suffer, but, as in all things, He can bring good from suffering.

Through this journey with chronic neck pain, I have become more myself, more authentic and more real. It is the great struggle of the strong-willed choleric to admit that they have weaknesses. To have visible and demonstrable physical weakness thrust upon me shattered me after the accident. The real and pressing fear that I was somehow made to be 'less' by whiplash kept me from seeing the truth. The truth that the body, though naturally limited, cannot limit the person. Or in other words, who I am does not change because I have chronic neck pain.

What limits is fear. Fear of being seen in weakness. It wasn't until I acknowledged my weakness that I was free to be enlivened by it. A huge tool in being set free from fear has been learning more about pain science. With a bio-psycho-social view of  pain, what has been uncovered is a whole person perspective that preserves the dignity of the patient. As the most effective and highly developed response the body has to danger, pain gradually shifts from a burden to an opportunity for change.

To dedicate the last two years to engaging my own pain has enlivened me in a way I never anticipated. Two out of the last four... not the best odds, but it speaks to the utter mercy of God. It is the call to authenticity in suffering that drives me forward each day.

A subtle differentiation worth making is the difference between expecting pain and being surprised by limitations and weakness. There is no keener torture than waking up in the morning expecting pain. It leaves no room for the gradual healing of body and mind. However, I fight my pride daily, in that I am continually surprised by my limitations. To live in humility is to know things as they are in truth, and in truth, I am limited. Prudence becomes an obedience to weaknesses, and the choices made throughout the day should preserve authenticity and truth.

It is through acknowledging my weakness and striving to engage it each day that I have experienced grace in the every day. Christ's wounds from the cross remained visible in His resurrection, and in His wounds I have found healing. God's love made new every moment.

Love & Responsibility

In May I started reading "Love and Responsibility" by Karol Wojtyla, the man who would later become our beloved St. John Paul, the Great. It had been assigned reading in a course I'd taken in college, however I didn't read it at the time. I was lamenting that I had never read anything by JPII cover to cover, so I set myself to the task. Unlike my review of "Christianity and the Crisis of Culture," I've finished the book before I set myself to the task of writing it up. You're welcome!

Rather than attack each chapter in full, I'm going to focus on the subheadings underneath the chapters, as a means of breaking up the content... because, there is so much!

CHAPTER I: The Person and the Sexual Urge
ANALYSIS OF THE VERB 'TO USE'

If you know me, you know that the sky opened up a little at that subheading title because there is nothing I love more than analyzing words! This first brick, as it were, in paving the road toward a healthy understanding of love and relationships, is of vital importance. The reason that this particular verb is of note is because you and I exist as the propelling forces of our own story, i.e. the subject. We simultaneously exist as additional characters in the stories of those around us, "an objective something or somebody." (Love & Responsibility) Interacting with others is part of the journey. How we interact with others is why this verb, 'to use,' is of particular note.

Both the subjective and objective roles of man are encompassed in another word, 'person.' Such an all encompassing word for the mind, body and spiritual wholeness of man. That man has an interior life makes him boundless in his existence. As such, ethical questions come into play, "...for a person must not be merely the means to an end for another person." (Love & Responsibility) It is this, which elevates our actions from those of the created world around us. We must not, through our thoughts or actions, willingly limit the existence of another person as an object for use. Rather we elevate ourselves and those around us when we view the person himself as the end goal in our interactions. I interact with you, because you are true, good and beautiful and your unique and unrepeatable gift is something of great value to me.

Ephesians 5: 21 "Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ."

The next word that is tackled is 'subordination.' In the light of the conviction to never use another person as a means to an end, it is important that we also see the need to steer away from subordinating another to our will. "When two different people consciously choose a common aim this puts them on footing of equality, and precludes that one of them might be subordinated to the other." (Love & Responsibility) How invaluable does the gift of subordination become in the light of this reflection. "This capacity is, however, inherent in human beings and is bound up with their freedom of will." (Love & Responsibility) To choose another, and to go one step further and offer your self, an inspired gift. The important point is that a choice, together, toward a common good is required is required to justify this gift. They must share the same end and there must be a mutual responsibility for the good of the other.

The second tier in this analysis of the verb, 'to use,' takes us to the idea of enjoyment. This idea is wrapped up into the emotional, psychological and interior responses of the person. "It is necessary here to call attention to the particular richness, variety and intensity of those emotional-affective experiences and states, which occur when the object of activity is a person of the opposite sex." (Love & Responsibility) Enjoyment is a natural and just reaction to spending time with someone, the question is what happens when enjoyment is the sole aim of the interaction? What role does the other person play in this experience of enjoyment?

There is an equality that needs to be present in the activities shared by persons. The temptation with enjoyment is to isolate that positive experience and to make it the goal of your interactions. In this respect, the person becomes another means to an end, an end, which is entirely subjective. Once the world becomes the subjective pursuit pleasure, it falls into utilitarianism. "Utilitarians regard the principle of maximization of pleasure accompanied by the minimization of pain as the primary rule of human morality." (Love & Responsibility) Every experience and relationship becomes subordinate to the pursuit of pleasure. There can be a farce of value put on the pleasure of another person, but only insofar as they inspire pleasure in the subject, which leads inevitably to egoism. Two egoists can share the road only so long as they are mutually serving this end of maximum pleasure. This sinks both parties to the level of a tool for use, another means to the end, robbing them of their inherent dignity.

Caring for the person removes the idea of using from the relationship. The reality is that love always involves some form of suffering or pain, but it is through these poignant authentic experiences that joy in the other can be experienced in its fullest. We turn here to the Cross and to God, the Father, as the most perfect personal Being.

John 13:34 "I give you a new commandment, love one another. As I have loved you, so you should love one another."

It is a commandment opposed to the utilitarian idea of love and relationship. The most vivid and piercing demonstration of love by our personalistic God, was through the death of His Son on the Cross for our sake. The ultimate willing of the good.

Romans 5:8 "That while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."

The concepts pitted against each other here are that of the person as an end versus pleasure as an end. "The value of the person is always greater than the value of pleasure." (Love & Responsibility) Not only this, but the just response to another person is love, rather than use.  Love becomes a requirement of justice, but love is also something more than this concept. That you exist, unique and unrepeatable you, requires that my response to your existence be in line with the utter gift you are to this world. In love it is not only this, but that you will the good of this other person before your own. "Love which is the content of the commandment in the Gospels, can be combined only with the personalistic, not with the utilitarian norm." (Love & Responsibility)

Love is always personalistic.

Blessed

I had the great blessing to go to a women's retreat yesterday with my roommates. The retreat was led by Fr. Jacques Philippe, author of many books including "Searching for and Maintaining Peace." A book, now having feasted on his spiritual guidance, I am eager to read. He is working on a book at present on the Beatitudes and he shared some of the fruit of this topic with us. Captivated, of course, by such wisdom and life-giving content, I now rush to share it with you. I hope not to perjure myself in the summary. 

"Blessed those who weep, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

Fr. Philippe depicted God as faithful through suffering. In the beatitude we have the promise of consolation in suffering, though we may be asked to wait in the valley of tears to experience the fulfillment of this promise. These are words, which came to me in the midst of a week, through which I have stood at the precipice between hope and despair. The fatigue of pain in the every day has welled up to overwhelm my senses again, as it is apt to do. Through which the active choice to hope is required of me at each moment. This persistent pain bears a particular form of suffering, which requires me to ride to meet it each day with the will I can muster to actively participate in the color of pain brings to the day. In moments such as these, the most I can do is give voice to it and beg for prayers from those around me, to support me in my weakness and to assist me in allowing Christ to cover me in the shadow of his Cross.

Once we experience the consolation of God, we are called to share this consolation with others. The vocation of the sufferer becomes to turn away from the pity of self toward the good of others. The acceptance of humility brought through trials would bring also a desire to see others consoled before ourselves. That the consolation of others brings its own hope in the fulfillment of God's promise. This life of hope requires us to surrender our suffering into the hands of God, for whatever time He should allow. Hope breathes life into suffering, hope for the future, and trust that God may bring good through it. The outward focus on others should also open us to ask for prayers. To be seen in our weakness and lifted up by the generosity of intercession. This poverty opens us to see, receive and experience the goodness of others.

Since suffering is an interior and subjective experience, it brings a certain form of solitude. We must become aware of the unique opportunity this provides to become a student of empathy. It is, indeed, very hard to help someone who is suffering, there is always a real struggle to find the right attitude. To sit with someone in their weakness and call them into the light of hope is delicate. Without empathy, you remain poor. Empathy provides the grace of the resources to reach through suffering and to dwell with your friend. This  call into the desert may become the means to teach us to affirm and gaze on the dignity of others. In this desert solitude, Christ is very near to us, covering our weakness in the shadow of the cross. He shares in our suffering and consolation.

This promise of consolation helps us to gaze toward the end, the first and final cause of suffering as an opportunity for union with God. Through this we regain peace, hope in a future and the interior fortitude to live in the present suffering. The more we desire to live suffering in holiness, the more we realize that we are poor. This poverty may teach us to surrender our burden to God, which is the work of suffering.

"Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. " Matthew 5:7

This was a particularly convicting spiritual talk. I find in my own life, that in light of the solitude of suffering it is a constant struggle to stave off bitterness. My natural cynicism is also a hindrance, as my natural inclination is to doubt the sincerity of others. It is yet another battlefield of my heart, and I share it with you to allow you to show me mercy. 

Matthew 6:38: "Give and gifts will be given to you; a good measure, packed together, shaken down, and overflowing, will be poured into your lap. For the measure with which you measure will in return be measured out to you." 

Fr. Philippe began this talk, by siting the above verse, urging us to stretch our minds past the understanding of reward and punishment. It is the reality that we are bound by our own hardness of heart. That we do not show mercy to ourselves when we withhold it from others. We become attached to our wound. In this light it is man who punishes himself. 

The experience of God's mercy can help us to forgive in humility and patience. Jesus, from the cross, reveals that it is only by the grace of God that we can forgive. "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." (Luke 23:34) It is God alone who can forgive absolutely. Forgiveness then is an act of faith, hope and love. Without this gaze, forgiveness is impossible. We ask that our wounds may be transfigured from the darkness in which they seek to fester. 

If I refuse to forgive, I condemn the other and enslave myself to my wound. In Romans 12, St. Paul uses the imagery of showing kindness to those who persecute you as heaping burning coals on their heads. These acts of kindness are acts of surrender and hope for the future of our persecutor, they prepare the way for the coming of the Holy Spirit. This is also an act of forbearing patience, trusting in the will of God, that the healing fire of purification may yet come to pass.

More intimately, it is an act of faith, that the other is not bound by their sin, and is in fact more than their sin. We free the other of our condemnation and free ourselves from the bonds of resentment and vengeance. This too should apply to relationships where we have done good for another. We should not seek to keep a ledger of good or ill actions, that we might seek to be repaid one day. Love ought to be given freely, no one owes me anything by grace, through which I renounce all power over others.

Authenticity

"Authenticity: A Biblical Theology of Discernment" by Fr. Thomas Dubay, S.M.

Books find us when they are meant to. I had started this book two years ago and then put it down. Having found it again, I applied myself more diligently. It bothered me for the entire first chapter that the tag line was "Theology of Discernment." Having heard the word "discernment" used by many different people in many different ways throughout my life, I found that I had become a bit jaded toward the word.

This interior resistance was cause to stop and examine myself. This particular word shouldn't inspire a knee jerk reaction of fear. Yet it did. The age old fear of the soul: that God's will won't coincide with your own. In the midst of this revelation, I challenged myself to open my heart to make room for this word in my life again. The more time I spent with this book and Fr. Dubay's patient words, the words of a Father, the more alive the word 'discernment' became. Discernment as the cornerstone to an authentic life brings with it the joy of the discovery of the day and its call for your life.

A very minimalist summary of this book is that it is possible to know God's will in your life, however, it is difficult to know it fully as it is to be known. Often times our own will gets mixed up in the process and we are eager to mold God's will to fit our own. Or, rather, we are eager to find the spiritual fruits of God's will in our own. "...Not all those who think they are listening to the Holy Spirit are listening to the Holy Spirit." 

Within the first page, Fr. Dubay bids us to understand that "the root of the whole matter is conversion, complete conversion." Challenging words, to stand always on Christ's fire, as it is heroic. It is the heroic virtue of the saints. Those who responded to Christ's call promptly, habitually, and regardless of circumstance. One of the key virtues focused on is humility, as this is the virtue that allows the soul to see the truth in life as it is. We are called to know ourselves fully so that we may be fully known. To show prudence in obeying our weaknesses and drawing on those strengths we have at our disposal to fight temptation. Humility to cast light into the shadows of the illusion and the darkness of life. This knowledge of self is the necessary precursor to discerning God's will from your own.

Signs of the fullness of Authenticity:

1. Spiritual Direction: seeking the Holy Spirit in the circumstances of your life as you seek to live the Gospel. Spiritual direction is meant to be a guide only, not necessarily a source of teaching. The goal of both the director and the directee should be to allow you to discover and live authenticity.

2. Growth in Prayer: Prayer, the source of love, needs to become intertwined with you and your every day. The goal being to never find yourself separated from prayer.

3. Interpreting Scripture: A living faith is necessary to interpret scripture, as a revelation of the human and divine Word made flesh. 

4. Giving Advice: I can't summarize this section, it's too convicting! In the words of Fr. Dubay, " One is fit to advise to the extent that he is virtuous. Study and intellectual competence are important of course, but in the ways of the Spirit a fullness of love has no substitute."

5. Seeking Advice: Do not seek to receive the council you wish to hear. Test the council you are receiving.

6. Speech and Silence: Only speak when it is useful and necessary. 

7. Vocational Fidelity: Vocation ought to always be outward facing.