Mothering

She may not say "Mama" yet, but those sweet little arms reaching for me melt my heart every time. My girl is a wildfire! Someone at Mom's Group today said she's uniquely strong for a baby. At seven months she crawls, stands herself up, scoots along furniture and can use her walker like a pro. She's curious and brave, boldly charging forward. Rob laughs that she never goes around an obstacle, always straight through or over it. My girl has spunk and plenty of character! If I were to guess from how she is now, I'd say she's a sanguine-phlegmatic. She loves people, but she's also super chill and only really cries when she means it.

Mothering this girl is my joy. It's hard and sometimes it takes all of my strength and energy to keep up and roll with the day's challenges, but it wouldn't be a vocation if it were always easy. Our nursing journey alone has been way more difficult than I ever anticipated. She only last week fully weaned from using a nipple shield. As a choleric, I've had a running tally of all the shields in the house, where they were and when they were last washed. I'm so grateful to release that bit of neurosis. I joked that this was Sophia's Mother's Day gift to me.

Since my supply was low and I would say now it's merely adequate, she's never gotten the hang of napping outside my arms. Until recently we were nursing every second hour and now we're at every third. We've been doing baby led weaning, and she's really started to get good at eating. Girl loves meat best, but she also loves mushrooms, green pepper, pear, apple, chicken and waffles. She does a happy dance when she likes a food and happily "Mmmmms" her way through those bites. She can drink water from a straw-cup but sometimes spits a bit back out like a fountain.

She used to hate baths, but now she loves splashing around. We take lots of walks and talk to the birds now that it's nice out. She loves to go to church and to Mom's Group to see all the people. She's quiet and observant whenever we go somewhere new. She loves her cousins and Nora girlie can always get her to laugh. She laughs proudly any time she learns something new. She's a down right happy sweet baby and I love being her mom!

I'm so grateful to finally be a Mom. She teaches me so much every day even as I'm trying to help her learn and discover the world. It has certainly been an adventure, and it is one that forges a new understanding of myself and who I am. Motherhood brought a new world with these sweet fingers and toes!

The Adventure Continues

The Struggle is Real

Every week is different with Sophia and our nursing adventures continue. Overall, I feel like we spend more time on the struggle bus than peacefully enjoying the beauty of breastfeeding. 

We had two really fun weeks with my family in December leading up to my brother's wedding. Before that, I was still pumping twice a day; before bed and first thing in the morning. Rob and I decided that it would be best if I work to wean from pumping entirely before my family came to town. We were going to be traveling a bit and the added stress of worrying about when to pump and where just seemed like too much to carry forward. So Sophia and I spent two weeks really focusing on her draining me entirely and dropping a pump session here and there until they were gone. 

I was pleasantly surprised that after removing the pump sessions from our day, that Sophia seemed sated throughout the day. I also felt I could meet those in-between feedings where she seemed hungry ahead of time. She wanted less supplementation, which became two big extra activities off our plate. I finally made it to the point where I am producing enough for her during the day. Her 4 month appointment confirmed that her weight gain was acceptable, so I this is a blessed relief. 

This little lady loves  people! As she continues to grow and change, any time she's around other people she would much rather be smiling, cooing and amazing them than nursing. With my family in town, she wouldn't nurse unless I was walking or bouncing. I call it acronursing. At home, we have a yoga ball we bounce on. On Tony's wedding day, Sophia and I walked 16,000 steps just nursing! She never makes anything easy, but fed is best! I took her to a breastfeeding group meeting in January and she was more interested in talking to the other babies than eating when she got hungry. She has such a fun personality! I wish I could give her more of what she wants by getting her around other people more, but we're still eating every other hour to stay on top of her weight gain and keep my supply up, so it is very difficult for me to go out when I know she will struggle to nurse while we're away.

This week, she is teething. Sophia's poor gums are hurting her, so she is back to screaming and fighting me when we try to nurse. The weather has been awful, with a polar vortex and tons of snow last week, and tons of rain and ice this week. So it's not so bad to stay home and work with Sophia. We've tried all kinds of ways to help her and have found a few remedies that work. So she's still eating enough and we're going to make it, but boy am I tired!

Developmentally, she is in such a fun place! She's starting to sit up pretty much unassisted. I'm still down there with her, ready to make sure she doesn't bonk her head, but she can sit for a few minutes at a time on her own. She can get up on her hands and knees and rock back and forth, getting ready to crawl. And she coos and delights us with smiles and giggles. I think her hair looks more red as its growing out and one weekend I tried combing it a different way after a bath and she woke up with cockatoo hair! Her favorite song is, "Darling Irish Girl" from "Darbie O'Gill and the Little People." Anytime I sing it, even if she's mid-cry, she stops and gets a big grin on her face. She's our sweet girl and I love doing the work of nurturing and loving her.  

It's All About that Milk

Sophia is two months old now! What a whirlwind it has been. From that first glimpse of her tiny body, she has enchanted us. This sweet gift made us a family.

Rob has taken to Fatherhood as I knew he would, intuitively. When the pediatrician makes a note in your daughter's file that your husband is a good father, you know you've made it. In the hospital, Rob went everywhere she did. We kept her with us in the room because he wanted her to know from those first moments that she wasn't alone. Once we got home, Rob has done any and everything to help us thrive as a family. From making up ditties to sing to our girl to the simple act of bringing me water when we're nursing, we have been well supported!

The journey for me, has been a steep climb. I had a rather substantial tear during delivery, so my bodily recovery has taken time. In addition to this, once my milk came in, we found that my supply is low. So starting that second night in the hospital, we have been offering Sophia supplements in addition to her regular breastfeeding.

Those first two weeks home, I felt like she would never learn to nurse. She was too impatient for the payoff to do the work I needed her to do to get breastfeeding going. We triple fed for those first two weeks: 1. Attempt to breastfeed for 10 minutes at least. 2. Whether that worked or not, offer a supplement of pumped breast milk or formula. 3. Pump to drain the breast so my body knew that I needed what it was making.

The whole process was exhausting, but

I was determined to do the work. With the help of a lactation consultant who makes house calls, we finally got to the point where she would latch and nurse every time. Supplements still needed to be offered, and I still needed to pump, but having her do the work helped a ton!

I hadn't expected breastfeeding to be this hard. I knew that every baby is different, but I was really thrown when I found out my supply was low. It's hard not to take that personally, or to feel like every time your baby is fussy or your husband struggles to help with a supplement, that it's somehow your fault. Like if my supply weren't low then everything would be easier. This really is flawed thinking. As even if I had a good supply, I'm sure we would have other challenges.

Breastfeeding is a true gift of self to the baby. It's hard, especially for this choleric to work with my seemingly inefficient body. The baby's needs come first, though. And knowing what I do now, I would make the same choices. That won't stop me from looking forward to the day I can offer her solid food, though! Anything to help her gain more weight.

She's a happy, sweet baby though. And that makes the work worthwhile. She smiles and coos at us. Her neck muscles are strong and I wouldn't be surprised if she gets herself to roll over soon. She's eager to get moving whenever we have time to play on the floor. (When you're feeding every two hours, it can be hard to find enough time for the floor!) She's a true joy and a gift!

I just need to keep the faith that we will get through this season of breastfeeding and that she and I will have grown from it.